Satisfying

He got together with all the angels, Betty White, and your childhood dog, and they had a long hard think about how things are going down here.

– Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover
– Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts

I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.

We don’t even know him, what if this kickass party goes to waste because your baby ends up being a loser or something?

– My nephew crying because I “stole” one of “his” cheese curds that I bought
– Scraping claws as a monster that has haunted me since birth moves closer

Just imagine the most unbelievable venue design I’ve ever seen is right behind his bald, moon-shaped head.

You think you know a person and then they run off with 29 of your closest friends to do a smash-and-grab.

4. Was being a gentleman.
5. Instead of keeping my eye on the ball, I was looking at a picture of big yacht.

Uh oh, you’re back into the ol’ overdraft - just two minutes after being paid. Thoughts and, of course, prayers, Emily.

If there wasn’t something more to it, I would be pretty bored and not have a good shot at turning it into a series of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles.