Satisfying
Diary Entries of Batholomew, Jesus’s Least Memorable Apostle
I’ve been in the apostles’ crew for almost a year now, but Jesus still makes me wear a nametag every time we hang out.
Read MoreI Am Tired of the Entertainment Industry Being Populated Exclusively by Beppo Babies (People Who Grew up Eating at the Italian Chain Restaurant Buca Di Beppo)
Some people don’t seem to understand how being a Beppo baby is such a big advantage in the industry.
Read MoreBook Jacket Testimonials or British Kennel Club Breed Standards?
Warm and wide-ranging and wise, a wonderful companion. Plenty of substance but free of clumsiness. Neither cloddy nor cobby.
Read MoreI’m Your Loved One in a Movie and I’m Definitely Not About to Die
I know I’ve been closed off my entire life, but, I don’t know, there’s something about right now that just makes me want to bare my soul to you.
Read MoreMy Bat Mitzvah Speech, More or Less Verbatim
I said I was sorry, and Sam said it was okay and that he would stop taking my iPod. This is one example of misunderstandings outside of the Torah.
Read MoreAs Your Dentist, I’m Required to Floss You So Hard That Your Soul Leaves Your Body
Now that I’ve got maximum hold of the floss, I will dig it into your gums so hard that your teeth feel loose.
Read More“Democracy Will Perish Unless You Follow Me on Social Media”—A Note from Your Congressman
Did you see my tweet from this morning saying I take everyone’s concerns seriously, accompanied by a gif from The Office?
Read MoreIllnesses to Fake to Get Out of a Destination Wedding
Since Pink Eye is usually thought of as a children’s illness, there is a level of grossness that comes with admitting you have it.
Read MoreBuddy? You Just Messed with the RIGHT Guy!
Worried I might embark on a border-spanning bloody warpath? You think I have that many air miles saved up?
Read MoreI’m the Conductor Yelling “Alllllll Aboard” at the Train Station and I Love Watching You Kiss
I’ve delayed trains for hours at a time just to let couples wet each other’s face holes before departure.
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