Satisfying
Congratulations, It Was All Worth It: You Were Hand-Selected to Apply for a Discover Miles Credit Card by God and His Angels
He got together with all the angels, Betty White, and your childhood dog, and they had a long hard think about how things are going down here.
Read MoreServices I’m Offering as a Striking Writer
– Providing an extra hand for “light as a feather stiff as a board” at your next sleepover
– Watching your ex’s Instagram story and reporting on their whereabouts
Hey, I Was Out on a Run and Saw You Sitting Here at Brunch
I’m so jealous of guys like you who can just sit at a table like this for hours and hours without literally moving a muscle—must be nice.
Read MoreYour Baby Shower Isn’t About Me—But It Should Be
We don’t even know him, what if this kickass party goes to waste because your baby ends up being a loser or something?
Read MoreThings I’d Rather Hear than the Constant Ringing in My Ears
– My nephew crying because I “stole” one of “his” cheese curds that I bought
– Scraping claws as a monster that has haunted me since birth moves closer
I Went to a Concert and Took a Bunch of Terrible Videos for Us to Watch Together Right Now
Just imagine the most unbelievable venue design I’ve ever seen is right behind his bald, moon-shaped head.
Read MoreWow, So All 30 of You Robbed a Nordstrom but None of You Texted Me?
You think you know a person and then they run off with 29 of your closest friends to do a smash-and-grab.
Read MoreWhy I, A Man, Did Not Actually Beat Serena Williams at Tennis
4. Was being a gentleman.
5. Instead of keeping my eye on the ball, I was looking at a picture of big yacht.
Emily, This Is Your Bank That Cares: You’re Overdrawn Sweetie
Uh oh, you’re back into the ol’ overdraft - just two minutes after being paid. Thoughts and, of course, prayers, Emily.
Read MoreI Thought I Was Reporting a Simple Story about Pothole Repairs, I Couldn’t Believe I Was Right
If there wasn’t something more to it, I would be pretty bored and not have a good shot at turning it into a series of Pulitzer Prize-winning articles.
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