Satisfying
The NSA’s Digital Threat Report on Me, User #119182
Instead of opening and deleting messages as he received them, User #119182 has kept every email he has received since creating his account in 2009.
Read MoreCancel Dolphins: New Earth Day Faves for a Fucked-up World
Wired: Earwigs. Bugs, but heavy metal and down to party. With those pincers you know they’re into some dark shit.
Read MoreI Think My Pen Pal Might Be My Dog Trying to Get a Bite of a Ham Sandwich
I’m really excited to get to know you better! Where do you live? What are your hobbies? What are you eating right now?
Read MoreNosferatu’s Review of Coachella Weekend One
My shadow grows long on the playa, striking fear into the hearts of those who dare utter “Missy Elliot is kinda mid.”
Read MorePaul Revere Updates the Bachelor Party He Still Hopes to Attend
Good news—lantern stuff is done. Borrowed John’s (as in Larkin’s) geriatric horse and am headed to Concord now.
Read MoreUrgent Recall Notice: Your Brain
Our official recommendation is to stop using your brain immediately. Please take care to dispose of it safely.
Read MoreAlumni Mag Updates from Graduates Who Are Just Chillin’
James Davis (’20) is the founder and chief creative officer of a conspiracy theory about the Slinky.
Read MoreDoes Listening to an Audiobook Count as Reading If I’m Asleep?
Some part of my subconscious is absorbing everything though, right?
Read MoreYour Bank’s Insurance Application Has Been Denied Because It’s in a Heist Movie
Remember the opening scene from “The Dark Knight”? That was one of ours.
Read MoreMy Dog Is an Expert Food Critic, and Here’s Her Latest Review
Customer service is, as before, abysmal. It requires at least three begs, a yip, and an emphatic paw stomp to get any attention from the staff.
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