Satisfying

As your mayor I promise to deal with the blights of this city: dozens of unfilled potholes, a lack of affordable housing, and obviously, Greg.

Listen, I can certainly understand your surprise about all this.

Just over and over again, and it’s been like three hours. Or possibly thousands of years, time sort of has no meaning here.

Will it scrape along a Toyota Camry, taking off seven inches of paint and cost the owner hundreds of dollars?

2:00 PM — The girls have worked up an appetite after all the screaming and feces throwing. Head to bottomless brunch.

A single smudge on an otherwise clean French door? No worries! An entire handprint? It’s a crime scene.

But friend, we are far from alone. We share this space with a legion of bugs.

But I really need to keep my weekends free in case my brother gets the jet skis or NYT Cooking puts out a really bomb 12-hour stew.

There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.

The very moment I use my turning signal I will be blasted sky-high. You can imagine the headache this has brought upon me.