You’re Hearing About My Dream Whether You Like It or Not

Wait, shut up.

I just remembered I had the craziest dream last night. It involves no one you know, none of your interests, it doesn’t make a lick of sense, and it ends without resolving in any satisfying way. But if I don’t get it out right this second I could risk forgetting—something that would haunt me for the rest of my life, even though it would have no impact on either of us.

So basically, I was in Vancouver with my freshman-year roommate, his sister, Rob Riggle, and Rob Riggle’s sister. And we’re at this seafood restaurant, when all of a sudden, the principal announces over the PA speaker that a NASA mission has gone terribly wrong, and they need me to bring in a ladder ASAP.

So I get to Houston, and the director of NASA is Rob Riggle. Wait, that can’t be. No, no it was. So I ask him where he wants me to put the ladder—which I’ve somehow stowed in my breast pocket—and he says, “Take off that toupée. It’s a tamale.” For some reason, this strikes a nerve, even though it wasn’t a tamale. It was a real toupée. So I storm out. And I was, like, really proud of it. Like I showed him up or something.

So then, I don’t know how, but I wind up in this snooker tournament. Isn’t that crazy?! It’s like, snooker? I don’t even play snooker. But in this dream, I was like, really good and going toe to toe with this, like, tanner version of myself.

So I make a bullseye, because, like, darts get involved somehow, and everyone starts applauding. Except for the person I was playing, who, by the end of the match, is no longer the tanner version of me. It’s Rob Riggle. And he yells, “CANNONBALL!” and then jumps into the pool. Oh, yeah, there was a pool.

Now, this is where it continues to not get interesting, so stay with me.

The pool isn’t filled with water. It’s filled with gazpacho. I know, right? Gazpacho? So I’m like, what the hell, and start to jump in. But Cory Booker blows his whistle—he was the lifeguard—and says I can’t jump in because it’s almost the summer solstice, which, at the time, made total sense, and I cursed him for remembering.

So I go to jail. But when the bailiff’s not looking, I fold a piece of paper into an origami crane, which functions as a key, and I break out of my cell, into the animated world of The Lorax (2012).

Then I woke up.

But, like, it was one of those dream within a dream situations. So I’m not actually awake. I’m still dreaming.

Okay, things get a little foggy now, but that’s not going to stop me from talking.

Oh, that reminds me, it was like, really foggy. Like, so foggy, I couldn’t see where I was going, and I stepped into a giant pile of crushed red pepper flakes—like the kind you put on pizza. And as soon as I step in them, the chili flakes rise from the ground, swirling around me like a tornado, until there’s this big whoosh of air, and I turn into Rob Riggle.

Then I woke up. For real this time.

Phew, I’m glad I got that out.

What were we talking about?

Oh, shoot, actually, I gotta go.