Your Campsite Report Card, as Written by the Bear About to Eat You
Location: B
In terms of the visuals, you really couldn’t have picked a better spot. Soaring vistas, dense foliage, and a crisp morning mist that flows off the surface of the lake each morning. Not that you’ll ever get to see it, sorry to say. The issue is, you’re really not supposed to set up camp within a hundred feet of water. The ecosystems can be pretty fragile, and all that clomping around can cause some serious damage. Not to mention that at least two of you have pissed yourselves, which is absolutely flowing downstream right now. Big deduction right there, sorry to say.
Food: A+
Most campers are real assholes about this. You wouldn’t believe how petty they get, actually going out of their way to hoist their food into trees—trees!—just to keep me from a midnight snack. Not y’all, though. Left all those juicy aromas scattered around for me like a little scavenger hunt! So considerate.
Noise: B+
Before the screaming, you were doing great.
Group Dynamics: C
I’ve seen worse, but coordination was a mess. Everyone’s just running in random directions. No one’s untangled the hammock guy. Someone just hurled another camper in front of me like a human sacrifice. Effective, but not really in the spirit of camaraderie. On the bright side, not a single one of you has thought to grab the bear spray, which is the only reason this isn’t an F.
Campfire: F
You gotta put this shit out when you’re done with it. I’m serious. I know my arrival might’ve been a little distracting and all, but you gotta douse that motherfucker, bear or no bear. Burn marks on the forest are tacky as hell. Huge party foul.
Diversity: A
Surprisingly multicultural. Always nice to see. The outdoors should be for everyone.
Overall Vibe: B-
All of the shrieking is really very distracting, and the aforementioned piss is fouling up the feng-shui. But the headlamps flailing in all directions is giving the scene a nice rave energy, which I appreciate, since I don’t get invited to many. Speciesism’s a bitch—don’t let anyone tell you different.
Leave No Trace: D-
To be fair, this one isn’t exactly your fault. There’s really no way to know how well you would have cleaned the campsite, were you to make it through the night. As it stands, though, you’ve left a fucking mess. Ripped tents and severed limbs scattered all over the place, not to mention all the blood. And the urine. Always the urine…
Wildlife Awareness: F
I think this one speaks for itself.