You Seem Unfulfilled at Your Job, Building a Facetune App for Dogs
Hello,
Just have some notes about your recent attitude at work. It’s recently surfaced that you’re maybe not bringing your full self to the office. Apathy doesn’t gel with our mission of making dogs better-looking with the transformative power of AI.
When you take your full lunch break or turn off your notifications after 9:00 PM, it’s like you’re saying, “It doesn’t matter to me what people’s dogs look like. I don’t think that charging people an annual subscription to change the appearance of their dog in photos is a good business plan,” or, God forbid, “This job is just a paycheck, I need to survive and I’m not working at a place where I live the mission.”
We’re not asking much. In the initial interview, you mentioned that you were a “go-getter.” Maybe we have different definitions of “go-getter”—our internal docs describe it as “someone working 60 hours a week minimum, with a rabid joy that is off-putting to anyone outside of our industry.”
Take Stacy, she’s a real all-star. She wakes up and starts programming. She works through lunch, she dreams of hideous dogs lurking at her periphery. When someone talks to her about off-topic from work, she develops a facial tic and complains that her brain feels flushed with TV static.
Dave’s glasses have burnt-in impressions of schnauzers from his tireless checking of the workplace Slack’s #dogalicious channel. Jessica lost her voice assuring users that the dog-translator widget is accurate when it converts “bark” to “please rate and review.” John just spent his honeymoon closing out the sprint that makes our dog cowlick-removal algorithm 3% faster.
We understand that you might not think you’re making a difference in the world. Writing as someone who had an ugly dog, you are as wrong as an overweight Weir hound. We’re the #7 app in the Android store in the “Pet Improvement” category. We’re changing the world for anyone with an open line of credit and an ugly dog.
This technology improves the lives of oft-photographed celebrities with Shih-Tzus, amateur dog breeders, and lonely men on dating apps with golden retrievers that just can’t pull their weight.
Every time someone smooths over their dog’s face, our algorithm consumes the same amount of power it takes to power a small city. Is something that draws the entirety of the Hoover Dam’s output not worth your unwavering dedication?
Think of the fragile psyche of the bichon frise or the unfair beauty expectations burdening the borzoi. Does the dachshund not deserve a world where its elongated torso is properly tapered?
Not to mention the possibility of an acquisition, which—for the fourth year running—is imminent.
I wake up with a jolt every morning, plagued with nightmares about overbite-stricken Boston terriers, inbred bulldogs, and Buscemi-looking bat-like border collie mixes. I stop at the dog park and weep like a graceless Virgil lost in the depths of hell. I think, “Who has abandoned us,” and “What cruel god would create a world with war, disease, and ugly damn dogs like this.”
You never hear about cancer surgeons complaining to HR that their work doesn’t seem fulfilling. A soldier doesn’t grip his rifle, bracing for the mechanized enemies of combined warfare, and think his life lacks urgency. Well, what is your job if not performing much-needed surgery on a world pockmarked with unsightly dogs. Where are you if not in the trenches of beauty?
We move mountains. We assault God in His Heaven. We make dogs 30% smoother in photos on Instagram.
So, I think the best path forward is to just have a standing meeting at 6:00 PM on Fridays, where we can really jam out on some new ideas and find out how we can help you be more enthusiastic!
Sniff ya later!