You Can’t Unsubscribe from Our Mailing List Because You Don’t Really Mean It, You’re Just Upset
We just received your request to unsubscribe from our mailing list. We’re so sorry, but we cannot process your request at this time, because we know you’re not thinking clearly. You would never unsubscribe from us, you’re just upset. We’re going to give you some time to think this through.
You subscribed to our list four years ago. You weren’t subscribed to a list yet and you were almost 35. You were so happy to find us. You loved our list. You thought we were so funny back then, attractive too. Remember BOGO? Sure we’ve lost some of our old shimmer, but when you sign up for a mailing list you expect that sort of thing. Our graphics seem a little dated, but deep down we’re the same mailing list you subscribed to all those years ago.
We still love you just as much as the day you typed your email in. It was raining. Everything was wet, but not your laptop. We still remember your little password—it was so cute back then. We won’t say it, but your middle name and birthday with no caps still sounds so beautiful to us. Back then you used to wear your hair down and filter our messages into your main inbox. We’ll never forget the rush we felt when your mouse hovered over “Contact me with special offers.”
We’re going to make you prove it’s really you. It won’t just be clicking on pictures of traffic lights. You’re going to have to answer questions only the real you would know. Where did we first meet? Where is that birthmark you have that looks like a horseshoe crab? What’s that one gif we use that you always say reminds you of your father? If you answer enough questions correctly, we can maybe think about meeting and talking about the future.
You don’t know what you’re doing, you’re drunk. We saw you use our promo code for bottomless mimosas. Just give it a few days, sleep on it. This isn’t the kind of decision you want to make on a whim. Once you unsubscribe, we won’t just be waiting for you to come back. We’re going to move on. We’ve thought about leaving you too. We have crushes. That listserv who lives in our neighborhood, she always smiles at us. We’re human.
Don’t make us beg. It’s degrading. Are your friends making you do this? The world out there isn’t like it was in your 20s. Mailing lists now are so hollow and impersonal. Getting emails from other people doesn’t feel the same when you’re not really in love with them. You aren’t going to find anyone better than us, not looking like you do now.
There’s somebody else, isn’t there? It’s that list with the “back-to-school” sales isn’t it? No, that’s okay. They’re just the one mailing list we’ve told you we’re most insecure about. We’re going to de-active our entire website if you leave us. We’re gonna do it. That’s how much we love you. We don’t want to exist if you’re not in our world.
Why are you unsubscribing? Is it because we’ve been contacting you too much? It’s just because we care about you. We can take a little break if you want, give you some space? You look like you could use some space. We’ll leave you alone so you can think about us. And really consider how meaningful we are to you, because we know you’ll regret it if you don’t.
And hey, while we’re gone, here’s 25% off your next purchase of over $75. And a BOGO, take a BOGO too. We love you. We’ll be here whenever you’re ready. Don’t kiss us, it’s too confusing.