You, a New Parent, Are Doing Everything Wrong

Do not give your child time outs: Your child will use the spare time to develop the code for human-killing cyborgs and wipe out the human race.

Do not give your child sugar: Your child will get used to a sudden spike in dopamine and grow up to be a drug addict (all because you couldn’t bother to cook your child some good food).

Do not give your child a phone: Your child will become tech-savvy, infiltrate global intelligence networks, and start WWIII.

Do not teach your child too many languages: Your child will grow up to be a spy for ten different countries and play an instrumental role in starting WWIII.

Do not give your child a bath every day: Your child will become so shiny that they will blind everyone around them.

Do not raise your voice: Your child will develop an unusual fear of loud noises, which will eventually prompt them to become a monk (unless you are fine with that, in which case keep raising your voice)

Do not use a crib: Your child will get used to the feeling of being imprisoned and later feel an unconscious desire to go to jail.

Do not lie to your child: Your child will become so adept at lying that they will grow up to be a politician.

Do not force your child to eat: Your child will develop a hatred for food and start the biggest food fight in the world.

Do not hug your child too much: Your child will grow up to be a huggy bear and get arrested in New York for hugging strangers on the street.

Do not kiss your child too much: Your child will become indifferent to intimacy and die alone.

Do not give your child processed food: Your child will be poisoned by the artificial flavors and become a supervillain.