Why Is This Bowl $300? And Other FAQs I Get as a Shoppe Owner
Welcome to our shoppe, a destination for curated curations! While you are perusing our collection of heirloom ladles and small-batch palo santo sticks, you might have a few questions about our offerings.
Please do not contact us. We do not want to hear from you. Instead, we’ve compiled a helpful list of FAQs—you’re likely to find your query below. (If not, and we really cannot emphasize this enough, please do not contact us. It’s just one of our boundaries, and you’re an adult. Figure it out on your own.)
How do you care for your mulberry silk sheets?
Our mulberry silk is PETA-approved and made in partnership with local silkworms who were recently rescued from poverty via a scholarship program. As such, the sheets demand careful attention: First, lull them gently to sleep in a warm bath of lavender oil and epsom salt. (A bedtime story is also effective.) They can then be hand-washed with alcohol-free soap and left outside to dry for 2-4 business days. They will let you know when they are ready to come back inside.
Where did you get the inspiration for your earthenware mushroom potpourri?
Would you ask Monet where he got the inspiration for his water lilies?
How authentic is your assortment of 17th century-inspired hand-bound notebooks?
Extremely! We tracked down a bookbinder on Craigslist (who, for the purposes of an ongoing lawsuit, we’ll call “Gary”) and set him up in our supply closet (which, for the purposes of that same ongoing lawsuit, we’ll call “the studio”) with some calfskin. In an effort to get him in touch with the spirit of the era, we encouraged Gary to introduce leeching into his morning wellness routine. Though initially resistant, he eventually acquiesced and produced the beautiful books you see before you before succumbing to his wounds and falling just the tiniest bit unconscious in the studio.
But the books! The books are beautiful.
What is in this amber-colored, label-less bottle?
Could be a smoothing serum, could be arsenic. There was a mix-up at the bottling factory in China– er, upstate New York; frankly, it’s none of our business. We believe in the randomness of the universe. We also believe in beauty product roulette. What is meant for you, shall be.
When you say these CBD capsules were “blessed by the moon,” to which lunar phase are you referring?
Great question! Waning gibbous.
I’m looking for a housewarming present for a recent graduate’s first apartment; what can you recommend?
The perfect gift is our mother-of-pearl miniature caviar spoon.
I’m looking for a retirement gift for my father whose only discernible hobby is a vague interest in World War II; what can you recommend?
The perfect gift is our mother-of-pearl miniature caviar spoon.
Do you ship to other states?
Though we believe creativity is a fluid process, the United States Postal Service does not share this outlook. Unfortunately, it considers certain nutrient-packed gifts from Mother Earth, like liquid mercury and animal blood, to be “biohazards.” (In the meantime, our gut-focused olive oil is available at Whole Foods stores nationwide!)
But stay tuned. Ever since the pandemic, we’ve become a hit with anti-vaxxing tourists from Florida and can confirm that a pop-up shop in Sarasota is in the works.
Can we get an update on Gary?
Legally, no.
Why is this bowl $300?
How dare you. First of all, it is not a “bowl.” What you see before you is a sculptural objet, painstakingly crafted by hand during the twilight hours by a team of hard-working Scottish elves. It has many uses, ranging from key holder to jewelry holder (end of list). It inspires envy in all who gaze upon it. It boldly forces the question: Do you really need groceries this month? It’s an investment in your future. Also, it’s $312. We don’t control the sales tax.