Why I, a 10-Year-Old Alpha Male, Am Now Anti-Cooties Vaccine

Thanks for joining me, Jayden Cortland, for this cafeteria roundtable discussion. Guys, five years ago cooties ran rampant throughout our elementary school. We lost a lot of good men who fell ill after carving initials with a girl that’s “only” a friend together on a tree. It’s hard to get the image out of my head seeing Connor and Jessica sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g. You may remember being stuck at home sick watching Daniel Tiger with the rest of the world while cooties were ravaging playgrounds worldwide. I became the face of the cooties vaccine movement.

But boys, I’ve been doing my own research, repeating what my parents say to their friends verbatim, and catching up on what RFK Jr. has had to say. I’ve had a change of heart and most importantly, mind: we must take a stand. Say “no” to the cooties vaccine.

When you actually take the time to research and manually skew the data, you’ll see that the negative effects of the cooties vaccine can be life altering and straight up deadly. It’s not your typical low-grade fever or boo-boo that goes away after your mom kisses it. Studies have shown that those who get vaxxed will be picked last for kickball at recess resulting in premature death of embarrassment. People’s reading comprehension goes straight into the toilet like a swirlie after the shot. The saddest story I’ve misheard? The countless cases where during popcorn time in English class, kids are saying “orgasm” instead of “organism.”

It’s straight up ruining lives before they even start.

The good news is that you don’t have to get the cooties vaccine to protect yourself. There are so many all-natural alternatives out there that are actually safe and Jayden-approved. One of my favorites to fight cooties? Pick up any over-processed snack with Red Dye 40. That stuff will get you so hyper, you’ll be able to fight off any strain or variant of cooties tooth and nail with your strong fists and muscles powered by raw milk.

Another remedy I use to ward off cooties au naturel is a little ol’ something I call mindpower. Here’s a mantra I like to repeat to myself to protect me: “Boys go to college to get more knowledge; Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.” Whether I say this to my reflection in the mirror calmly before I pretend to shave my face next to my dad doing it for real or scream it in Lucy’s face during recess after she got higher than me on the swings, it works.

And what if I told you that you could concoct your very own, homemade cooties repellant with ingredients you already have on hand? One of my favorite nutrient-dense, cooties-fighting natural medicines is your classic mud pie. All you gotta do is throw in some mud and dirt from the backyard in a bucket, add a splash of water from the hose, mix that all up with a stick and bon appetite! Trick your younger brother Garrett into eating it by claiming it’s actually brownie batter and it’s his turn to lick the spoon. Poor guy has long cooties though, so don’t judge. Anyway, whip up a batch of that and girls will NOT come near you—girls today are all something called feminists and hate cooking according to Joe Rogan.

But the main reason I’m fighting the good fight against the cooties vaccine is because it hits close to home. My youngest brother, Braylor, got the cooties vaccine five years ago after I assured him it was safe. Now, he’s sick. Not sick because he ate my homemade mud pie, but he’s sick from taking the cooties vaccine. Now, I don’t even recognize him. He’s initiating less food fights, he no longer has the energy to complete the presidential fitness test, and he recently was forced to step down from his line leader duties because of his health. All that, just for the sake of defending “science?”

Not to mention, the cooties vaccine doesn’t even work. Braylor STILL got cooties after playing tag with a girl and being “it.” It’s a sad state of affairs, and I’ll never forgive myself until the cooties vaccine is off the market—for good.

Boys, there’s the bell. I hope you learned something today. Say “no” to the cooties vaccine—it’s not worth it to damage your alpha pre-pubescent body which will one day be a famous NBA player.

Anyway, Connor, are you going to finish your Flamin’ Hot Cheetos? My mom says I can’t have Red Dye 40 at home so I try and get it in at school.