Who I Am Now That I Accidentally Ordered Myself Black Silk Bed Sheets
I am the founder and CEO of two startup companies: one that designs and manufactures bootcut jeans for Komodo Dragons and another where I call my grandparents and tell them I need money because I’ve been in a horrible accident. I have unpaid interns for both.
I own two books: The Kama Sutra and a mint condition, never-been-opened instruction manual for an AR-15 autographed by the entire cast and crew of FX’s The Shield.
I tell everyone my favorite movie is Seven Samurai when, in reality, it’s that episode of Family Matters where Urkel gets stuck in a hot-air balloon.
There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.
I have a massive framed print over my bed of Biggie Smalls, Tony Soprano, Spider-Man, and Martin Luther King smoking a blunt together on the subway. Their weed smoke comes together to spell out the word “Peace” above their heads. It is the single most profound thing I have seen in my life.
I have not seen any of my nieces or nephews get baptized.
If I had a time machine, I would use it to go back to the night Scott Caan was conceived and not change a damn thing.
I hold the record at my gym for the loudest anyone has ever fought with their girlfriend over speakerphone while on the tricep pushdown machine.
I’m the only one of the cousins my cop uncle won’t give a PBA card to.
I’m going to see Duff McKagan doing his solo thing tonight.
I’ve been in more physical altercations with the guy who engraves my paintball trophies this month than I have fed my dogs.
My Instagram is entirely pictures of me standing next to sports cars that aren’t mine and one post memorializing Tom Cruise from when I fell for a death hoax I saw on a pornography website.
When I go on vacation with my girlfriend’s family, they all silently pray that I’ll sleep through breakfast every morning.
Go ahead. Tell me and my buddies we won’t be able to open a dispensary all you want—it’s only gonna make us want it even more.
My first words as a baby were, “Ok, so throw the first punch then, bitch.”
I’m not allowed to travel outside the country because I couldn’t stop doing The Shocker during my passport picture.
I’m entirely too vocal in the appetizer conversation at dinners I’m not paying for.