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- Talks about hitting his daily vitamin C minimum and is very into scurvy prevention.
- Never calls his mom, but is weirdly attached to his pet parrot.
- Shows up three hours late because he “got caught in a fog bank.”
- Likes to sing a capella with the boys from work—whom you’ve never met.
- Won’t acknowledge his rum addiction.
- Lets the wind control his major life decisions.
- Refuses to see an optometrist about his patched eye.
- Says his ex, a “treacherous landlubber,” stole the most valuable thing in his chest—his heart?
- Only tips with “authentic Spanish doubloons.”
- Goes to the beach daily to “check his DMs” (messages in bottles).
- Oddly admits to being a gold digger.
- Demands to be made “captain” of your book club.
- Openly talks about his cruel mistress, the sea.
- If any of these sound familiar, prepare to be emotionally marooned.
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