What Your Breakfast Order Says About You, NYC Edition

Bacon, egg & cheese

You’ve had the same haircut, neighborhood, and romantic partner for several years. Your job is most likely going to be replaced by AI soon.

Bacon, cheese & egg on an English muffin

You keep giving restaurant recommendations for places that closed decades ago because you haven’t really been to the city since the ‘90s.

Bacon, egg & cheese, salt, pepper, ketchup on a roll

You are an actual native New Yorker. Most people live in fear of you.

A Western omelette from a bodega served in a Styrofoam tray

You are a nihilist and people should actually be afraid of you.

Low-fat cream cheese on a scooped whole wheat bagel

You wish you could have all your bowel movements on only one day a month so you could just stay in your Brooklyn brownstone the whole weekend.

A sesame bagel toasted with extra cream cheese

Even though you have six roommates, you have a genuine sense of joy and your friends really value the advice you give them. You’ll need to move back home next month and your room will be up on Craigslist before you’re all packed.

Lox, capers, onions, with just a schmear of cream cheese on plain bagel

You’re not rich, but your family owns a few apartment buildings around the city. So what if you pay rent like it’s 1999? That’s other people’s problem.

Lox, capers, onions, with just a schmear of cream cheese on a cinnamon raisin bagel

People are right not to trust you.

Pumpernickel bagel with nothing on it

You have accused your neighbors of stealing your newspaper only to find it right next to your stoop. You find that suspicious.

A glass bottle of tepid alkaline water

Wait, I thought Gwyneth Paltrow went back to eating solid food again. Who is this?

Rainbow bagel with chocolate chip cream cheese

You are perpetually at least three years behind every trend. Your younger coworkers make fun of your outfits behind your back.

Grilled cheese

You are still drunk from last night. Please take the day off from work or they will fire you this time.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

You still watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.

Honey Bun

You are a teenager and thus impervious to any effect food would have on someone over the age of 25.

BEC on a Honey Bun

You were suspended from school for throwing computer monitors out of a third-story window.

Pancakes

You have definitely fallen asleep at work more than once.

Lumberjack breakfast

Going camping with you usually involves a trip to the ER.

The cold buttered rolls next to the register

Your imaginary friend stopped playing with you before you had a chance to grow out of that phase.

Oatmeal

You regularly yell at kids for playing in front of your house, even when they’re being quiet. Your own kids don’t call you anymore.

Farina

You have seen a real Dixieland jazz band play live.

Cream of Wheat

You saw the Wright Brothers take their historic first flight.

Postum

You are a food historian who definitely checked this list for accuracy.