What the Office Supplies You Steal from Work Say About You

Notecards (Blank)

You have at least one novel or screenplay inside you, or maybe just one halfway decent dinner toast. More than once, you have bought the same exact shirt or blouse you donated to a resale shop. You had great hair, but no plan after college.

Notecards (Lined)

You have an affinity for chalk pinstripes. You wanted to put on a backyard carnival as a child, but it never got past the idea stage. When you first encountered the word “paparazzi,” you thought it was an Italian crime family.

Paper Clips (Smooth Finish)

You know the best jazz bars. Your turntable was designed by a Nasa engineer. You run marathons but don’t appear to sweat.

Paper Clips (Non-Skid)

You own an egregious amount of sandpaper. You have been kicked out of museums. You eagerly await the results of celebrity toxicology reports.

Wite-Out

You are able to overlook your own personal faults, but not those of others. Behind your back, people say you smile “pathologically.” You can’t recall your childhood.

Stapler

When you make a point at meetings, you emphasize your remarks by smacking the bottom of your ring(s) on the table. You are insensitive to people who suffer from the fear of clowns as illustrated by the assault-level amount of clown décor in your workspace.

Batteries

The fire department has been called to your home or apartment at least twice. The photo of Aaron Rodgers or Jenny McCarthy you use in place of your own face on Facebook is why you are unable to secure better employment.

Glue Sticks

When you host parties, you spend most of the time in the kitchen ignoring your guests. You insist on gluten-free food even though you do not have a gluten allergy. Most of the books you read are biographies of damaged child stars.

Hole-Punch

You regret not going into the trades. You once tried to burn down the town gazebo. You don’t own a razor.

Tape

You tell long-winded time and distance stories, but never reveal what happened when you arrived at your destination. Your niece 100% believes she is Clifford the Big Red Dog. You don’t find Tom Cruise creepy at all.

Post-It Notes (Canary)

Your fashion is to wear two collared shirts at the same time. You are always trying to give away your excess mandarins. AI distrusts you.

Post-It Notes (Multi-Colored)

Your favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. Your middle name is a flower. No one has ever been able to prove you are not a wedding planner.