What I Imagine People Think When They See Me Walking 24 Dogs

Oh, wow! Look at that guy walking 24 dogs. He must be making a lot of money.

But not too much money or he wouldn’t be a dog walker.

He must love dogs more than anything if he’s walking so many dogs. But why doesn’t he have a normal, regular job, with predictable income and grueling, unpaid overtime, like every other normal person?

Even if he does love dogs, I bet he hates cleaning up all their poop. When one dog poops, do they all poop? Do they all poop in the same spot? How many poop bags does he have to carry in order to clean up all the poop? I bet he can’t clean up all their poop in one go. Some of it must get left somewhere. Where does he even put all the poop? There’s simply no way any one person can scoop up poop from 24 dogs on a single walk. Shame on him.

Oh, look! He’s walking a golden retriever. They’re so cute and fluffy. That dog walker sure does love his dogs. I bet he has favorites though. He can’t love them all equally. Shame on his favoritism.

How reliable can a dog walking gig really be? It’s not like having a steady job with a caring CEO who wants nothing but the best for his employees and doesn’t at all worry about board members, stock prices and getting seen on the jumbotron with a fling at Coldplay concerts.

Doesn’t he worry about robot dog walkers? That’s not thinking ahead, if you ask me.

He probably thinks he’s better off than everyone else with all those dogs around him and his calves of steel. If I got paid to walk 24 dogs, I’d have a whole body of steel or even diamond. I could probably beat him up if I weren’t working a normal job that doesn’t allow me to go outside during the hours of anytime the sun is up, plus overtime and weekends.

I wouldn’t ever succumb myself to being a dog walker though because I have a JOB with normal tasks and normal commitments that doesn’t include picking up anyone or anything’s poop, only dealing with my boss’s shit. Plus, paper cuts. Lots and lots of paper cuts.

I bet he hates his clients as much as I hate my coworkers. His clients probably gossip as much as Kevin in Marketing or Trisha in Sales. I bet that golden retriever would have lots of shit to say if only I could just understand him.

That dog walker probably thinks going to the park is better than going to an office, with its open floor plan, grey walls and depressing carpeting, everyone looking at everyone just to make sure no one is actually looking at anyone. Pfft. What a loser.

I bet he actually hates walking dogs. He’d probably rather walk anything else other than a dog, maybe a muskrat or a beaver. I bet he couldn’t even walk a beaver if he tried. I bet I could. I bet I could walk anything on this whole goddamn planet.

On second thought, I wonder if he’ll let me pet all the dogs.