What I Hope My Dentist Will Say to Me When I Visit for the First Time in Six Years

Hi Keith, and welcome back to the office!

Before we dive in, I’d just like to state—on the record—that it’s absolutely not a problem that you’ve ignored dozens of emails and phone calls reminding you to schedule your bi-annual dental cleaning for six full years. It didn’t hurt my feelings at all. And it definitely doesn’t make me think less of you as a person.

Frankly, I’m just excited to have you back in my chair. After all, you ARE my favorite patient! Also, in many ways, you’re like a son to me.

So, let’s get into it. Have you been flossing?

I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear that because you were mumbling so quietly. Have you been flossing?

Ok great, that time I heard you. You said “maybe once every couple weeks?” as though it were a question and then you kinda just trailed off and looked away sheepishly.

Well guess what, Keith? That is FANTASTIC news!

You see, recent research has shown that most people actually floss too much, and that it’s far better to floss in a cursory and inconsistent fashion. In fact, many studies suggest that people who barely floss are morally and intellectually superior to those who floss regularly.

Yes, those studies are VERY peer-reviewed.

Of course, I’m happy to share that research with you, so you can easily forward it to your college girlfriend.

Hey, before I move forward with the exam by poking and scraping at your teeth with my little metal poker-scraper thingy, I also just want to say: I’m proud of you. That thought just popped into my head, I’m not sure why, but I think it’s important to express our emotions openly and honestly, don’t you, son?

Now say “ahhh.” God, your breath is AMAZING.

Ok, periodontal pocket depth is looking healthy, and–

Hmm, that’s interesting.

No, no, don’t worry, it’s not a cavity, you’re medically immune to those. It seems to be…an area of extra-clean tooth. Do you mind if I snap a picture to share with my staff? I just think that they—along with major medical journals—should have an example of the Platonic Ideal of Tooth.

Thanks, Keith. That’s really generous. You’re so thoughtful and caring, and…gosh, I’m sorry for tearing up. I don’t know why I feel an urge to say this, but…I’m so thrilled that my son has grown into the kind of man I always dreamed he’d be.

Forgive me if I’m overstepping here, Keith, but… could I have a hug? You see, even though it’s hard for me to express my emotions, I’d really like a hug and I’m not afraid to say it while I still have the chance.

Wait, Keith—don’t let go yet. Let’s just stay in this moment for a little longer.

I love you too, kiddo.

Wow. Wow wow wow. That was so cathartic. I feel like a new man. And to think, it’s all thanks to you, Keith, for having the courage to come in here today and get your teeth cleaned.

“Recommendations for the future?” Such a thoughtful question from such a thoughtful guy. Oh jeez. Here I go with the waterworks again.

Thanks for the handkerchief, I needed that. Hey, just by the by: I think it’s super rad that you carry a handkerchief—very retro and chic—and anyone who disagrees is plain wrong.

Yes, I’d be happy to tell that to your college girlfriend.

Listen, Keith. Honestly I have no recommendations. Whatever you do from a dental hygiene perspective is perfect because, in my eyes, YOU are perfect.

Take that from me, Keith: your dad. I mean dentist.

Also, your X-rays just came back and you have zero gum recession.