Welcome to Our New and Improved Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park

We dug through the comments and suggestions box, separated the legitimate feedback from the lewd drawings of Mrs. Claus, and implemented some exciting changes for this season of Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park.

First, we are bringing back real reindeer! We settled our feud with the local breeder, and will once again have nine living, breathing reindeer on site as in days of yore. We’re scrapping last season’s animatronics, which short-circuited in light rain and according to many of you, “looked like carcasses” and “smelled like cigarettes and Pine-Sol.”

We are selling the robotic reindeer for parts to the local used car dealership down the street. Happy Honda Days!

Please make sure to alert the ticket booth if you plan to interact with the reindeer, as you must sign a waiver and pay a $10 fee. The fee covers a packet of mixed oats and festive glitter to feed the reindeer, as well as a laminated copy of each reindeer’s vaccination history. They bite. Ho, ho, hold your hand out with extreme caution.

We heard your complaints about the long line to meet Santa. This year, we’re employing four separate Santa’s to keep things moving. Unlike last year, we have thoroughly vetted our new Santas to ensure they do not sow doubt about fluoride or the moon landing to the impressionable children on their laps.

And, in an effort to be more inclusive, one of our Santas is a Hassidic Jewish man who only speaks Yiddish.

By popular FDA mandate, we have updated the formula for our fake snow machine to a less, but still quite toxic blend. The new snow should not be directly exposed to human skin, but it also is no longer made up of a material colloquially known as “asbestos.”

This year, The Santa’s Sleigh Choo-Choo Train will make trips every 30 minutes to our adjacent Christmas Tree Farm, unlike years past, where guests found themselves stranded in the forest for up to six hours. Head on over to the Tree Farm guest services Yuletide Yurt to borrow a hack-saw and some bear spray. The Yuletide Yurt also contains a wide selection of artisanal holiday gifts, including reindeer fat candles and tree skirts embroidered with hilarious non-copyrighted “quotes” from Elf, including “Pass the Syrup To Put Upon My Pasta, Please!”

In a concerted effort to break even this winter, our outdoor water park will remain open all season. Take the Choo-Choo another stop to our Swimter Wonderland Water Park where the whole family can splish-splash and slip-slide down one of our many holiday-themed waterslides, including: The Northeast-ish Pole, where halfway through the slide the water freezes and turns to solid ice. Next, grab an inflatable candy cane and head on over to the Polar Plunge Wave Pool. The constant crashing of the waves keeps it from freezing over, despite the water being sub-32 degrees.

Please be warned that our live reindeer also like to splish-splash in the water park—we cannot be held responsible if there is reindeer piss in the pool. (There is definitely reindeer piss in the pool.)

Per your requests for more refreshment options, we’ve expanded our Jack Frost Snack Shack menu. Now, after a long day of waiting in line for one of the Santas, chopping down a tree and lugging it around, and ice skating in the kiddie pool, you and your family can enjoy:

• Nelle’s Famous Mid-Scream Gingerbread Cookies.
• Geoff’s Infamous Candied Yams (choking hazard, not for children under three and adults over 82).
• Fennel Cake. It was supposed to be funnel cake, but Geoff misread the order list and now it’s fennel cake. Deal with it.
• Hot Chocolate with toppings of your choice: marshmallows, chocolate bark, gravy.
• Individual Mince Pies. They are not stuffed with geriatric reindeer meat. Unless you’re okay with that, then they are.
• Absinthe.

Everyone at Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park can’t wait to help you make memories with your family this season! Please note, Santa’s Village and Tree Farm and Water Park is not liable for any animal-borne injuries, alcohol/fennel poisoning, or hypothermia. So layer up, because we’ve lawyered up.

And if you can’t make it this Christmas, fear not. We’re open 365 days a year. Visit us next summer to enjoy fully functional waterslides, sweet summer treats like frozen individual mince pies, and a loaner corral of agnostic camels.