We Found Life on Mars but It’s COVID

Here at NASA, we love to publish stories about how we finally found life on Mars. Then two years later, bam! Same story. We like to keep you on your toes. It’s like, have they found life? I don’t know. You don’t know. It keeps us mysterious. But today I am thrilled to announce that our decades of expensive failure have not been in vain, because we have finally found life on Mars.

Is it those aliens with psychic abilities who can see the future and will help us become a utopian society where everyone has food? Close! It’s COVID-19.

We know this is disappointing for many because COVID is a virus that has killed millions. However, we are happy because we’ve been coming up short for decades, so this is a big win. Why is nobody celebrating this big win? It’s life! Even if that life is a disease, it is still life. Who even wants sentient aliens that speak cool languages and have those big eyes? Not me. I want COVID. I am happy that I found more COVID on Mars.

Nothing could possibly ruin this historic moment in astrobiology, not even our biologists who are telling us that viruses technically aren’t life. So we perhaps didn’t find life, and we just found COVID. Ha ha! So that’s tough.

But here’s our thinking. If COVID could survive on Mars, it had to spread somehow, right? So in some ways, this is strong evidence that there was life, because the COVID probably had to infect something living, right? So there must be some sort of creature roaming the surface of Mars. Possibly hostile, definitely infectious.

This is a bad sign for humanity. But also a great sign because there is “life.” Except the “life” we found is a disease that kills other life. The reason “life” is in quotes is because it is not life. It’s COVID-19. We’re sorry about this but also like, “Woahhhh science is awesome!” But I digress.

Actually, since I’m already digressing, let me digress a bit more.

When I was a little girl in school, I was always like, “I want to one day discover life on Mars. I hope that life isn’t a disease. But if it is, that would be okay. Also, I hope I don’t bring it back to Earth and infect everyone. But if I do, that’s just science for you. And if I infect everyone, I hope it isn’t a virus that we just recently got somewhat under control, because that would suck. But if that is what happens, I’m chill with that.” Crazy that I achieved my dreams almost exactly.

I hope young women everywhere are watching me and saying, “I too can bring a deadly virus back to Earth.” To those young women, I say: “But I did it first. So if you did it, it would be significantly less cool.” That’s just the reality of trailblazing.

Isaac Newton discovered gravity, Albert Einstein discovered wormholes, and I discovered getting COVID in space. We are three equally impressive people. Sure, I abandoned my young family to fly to Mars. Sure, my children don’t know my name. Sure, I missed the pandemic on Earth and then touched down on Mars and got COVID within seconds because it infected me through the suit. But I also didn’t find life on Mars, so there’s that!

I’d like to conclude this in-person press conference by coughing into my hand and then touching all the doorknobs.

Then I’d like to remind you that today is not about you, or me, or the contagious droplets in this poorly ventilated room. This is about science. Togetherness. News we can all celebrate. But most of all, today is about announcing that you should all get tested for Mars COVID.

Good luck with that!

I will now eat Ivermectin.