Wanted Dead or Alive: People Who Took Stuff from a Bodega
Afternoon, cashier! I’m the local sheriff, pleased to make your acquaintance. I’m famous ’round these parts for bringin’ troublemakers to justice. And I couldn’t help but notice the massive collage of wanted photos in front of your fine establishment. You can finally rest easy, friend. I’m here to hunt these bastards down.
I can see from this not-so-gentle reminder y’all got here that we’re cut from the same cloth. YOU WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW. Only problem is I don’t plan on doin’ any prosecuting. Unless the law firm is Smith & Wesson! Yeeeee-HAW! Relax, I’m just yankin’ your chain. I’ll bring ’em in tastefully hogtied.
Let’s take a look at what these dirty rotten no-gooders are accused of… shopliftin’… shopliftin’… shopliftin’. Huh.
I gotta say, friend… this scotch-taped mountain of faces ya got here is a little much for just shopliftin’. Now I see why you’re not offerin’ any reward money. Ya got whole mess of so-called criminals up on this wall and I don’t see one murderer. Not ONE. Was this really worth the price of the paper?
Not to be a stickler, but what’s the goal here? You’d have to be Wyatt Earp to catch someone goin’ off these pictures. Most of these look like they were taken from way up high. Y’all got the Wright Brothers workin’ security? Y’all don’t even have any names! Nothin’ but blurry black ‘n white faces. At least give me sepia tone, somethin’ I can work with!
Oh okay, this fella’s got a NY ballcap on. One problem—we’re in New York! You expect me to gun down a third of the damn city?! And get a load of this one. You let this bandit keep his mask on?! Now you’re yankin’ MY chain!
Just tell me who the worst thief is and I’ll go get ’em. This one? Let’s see… they stole some deli meat and a Dr. Pepper. So you want me to put this man under the jail for… a lunch? He pushed an old lady on his way out of the store? Heck, I pushed three old ladies on the way over here! You lookin’ to put me on the wall too?
Can I be real honest with you, pal? All these petty crook pics? They ain’t helpful to anyone. Frankly, it feels like the work of a desperate, conniving little man. A wise cowboy once told me that when ya gaze long into the abyss, beware that you yourself don’t become the outlaw, ya know what I mean?
I’m just sayin’, is your goal to catch these folks or embarrass ’em? Pictures don’t arrest people, partner. All you’re doin’ is makin’ ’em famous! They’re prolly gettin’ off on it! I can see it now. This feller who took a loaf of bread last week is strollin’ down the street, sees himself on the wall, and starts yankin’ his chain right in front of your store! Disgusting but true.
I know you think it’s some kinda deterrent, but all you’re deterrin’ is THESE people comin’ into THIS store again. Y’all ever hear of… other stores?! There’s three of ’em just on this block! Heck, they could just rotate every few months or so and not have to spend a dime all year! Think of it this way, if I get intimate with a lady of the night and wake up with chlamydia, I don’t reconsider my lifestyle. I find a different lady!
Look, I take no pleasure in sayin’ this as a sheriff, but you deserve every theft you’ve experienced. I mean, let’s be real. No one threw a shot glass in someone’s eye, or robbed a train, or killed a horse. That’s the kind of thing I’m lookin’ for. When Billy The Horse Strangler comes in for a sody pop, you send me a telegram, alright?
I best be hittin’ the road. But before I go, how much for a dozen oranges? I got fifty cents but I can go home and grab some mo-… it costs WHUT?! For WHUT?! Okay, I’m stealin’ the crap outta these, you want my picture now or on the way out?