Updated Professional Wrestling Gimmicks for the Gig Economy

The greatest spectacle in sports entertainment is back! Modern Championship Wrestling’s Autumn Slam ‘24 is set for the Amway Center in Orlando, Florida, and it will be a slobberknocker for the ages!

MCW superstars harken back to the days when wrestlers depicted the common man: the grabbling garbageman, the punishing plumbers, and battling barbers.

This event spotlights the new generation, whose side hustles are their sole source of income. You’ve seen wrestling pimps, Elvis impersonators, and undertakers, now it’s time for the current workforce to lay the smack down. It’s a freelance free-for-all on Pay-Per-View!

“Crafty” Scotty Rafferty vs. The Deviant Artist

The renowned Etsy enamel button maker takes on his evil counterpart, the mysterious masked man known as the Deviant Artist. Will Rafferty get him with his signature “Avocado with Sunglasses” pin or will the Deviant One break out some of his NSFW work? It’s payback time for two artists paid in exposure!

Contract on a Pole Match — Rhee Capper vs. Liz Stikkle

This is one to write home about! It’s the finest in sports entertainment as freelance writer takes on part-time journalist over who will become a permanent part of the roster. Watch in horror as the wrasslin’ writers press slam their opponent to the mat, climb the ladder, and grab the offer letter! They’re going to need health insurance after this match, only one will get it!

“The Ganjapreneur” Bud Tender vs. X-Khan

Expect plenty of high spots as the newly anointed marijuana mogul takes on the former Non-Violent Offender in his first match back after serving seven years. After doing time for something that’s no longer a crime, X-Khan is ready with years of hands-on industry expertise and experience, but Tender has a prescription for punishment!

Dog Collar Match — Mutt Walker vs. “The Rover” Kay Nine

It’s a dog-eat-dog battle as these pet care pros strap on collars connected by a chain. One of these rabid petsitters will be housetrained and one will be sent to a farm upstate.

“Insta” Graham vs. “Only” Phan

It’s an intergender influencer battle as these two knockouts face off for their followers! The two models you’re forced to compare yourself to used all their resources to construct the perfect reality for promotional pain! Expect subtle product endorsements, false presentations, and interference from The Horny Troll demanding more footwork.

Retirement match — Gary “The Boomer” Phoenix vs. Jaxon “3-year Intern” Hart

This is a grudge match for the ages as Phoenix claims the new generation is too fragile and unwilling to work. Hart is ready to break Phoenix’s chokehold, but after five decades in the business and significant cognitive decline, the Boomer still isn’t ready to hang up his tights. Will the proficient technician take down a backstage politician who’s refused to learn anything new since 1996? This all-hands meeting is mandatory!

Tag Team Championship — The Post Mates, Emile D. Livery & Tip Driver vs. The Delivery Dudes, Speedy Grubb & Dash Chow [c]

This match will monopolize your attention as the men’s tag titles are on the line! Which of these convenience couriers will deliver a gutbuster and which will apply a double chicken wing hold? No matter which team gets their bell rung and is dropped on the doorstep, this match is sure to deliver, with a fraction of the revenue going to the workers!

Heavyweight Championship — Twisty Rhodes [c] vs. Chase Ryder

Hop aboard and get ready for some high-velocity action as these rideshare rivals are super pumped to bring the hurt. After driving out all the competition there’s only room for one champion, so make this PPV a priority pickup to see which of these chauffeurs-for-hire will surge to victory and who will be booted to the curb! This will be a thrill ride as these overworked independent contractors evade local regulations.

Women’s Championship — Andi “The Stream” Raider [c] vs. Vee Logger

Since you demand constant content—the belt goes on the line in the Collab House Bash (formerly the Vine Mansion Massacre) as Raider takes on her top contender to appease the mysterious Algorithm. Will Logger unbox the championship after a pummeling series of copyright strikes or will The Stream continue to curate hate and promote mayhem? Like, comment, share in the torment!

Main Event — The Amazonian Scourge vs. The Retail Giant

The unstoppable force meets the immovable object in a contest of anti-competitive practices! Will the Scourge be nimble enough with his signature move, the tax dodge? Or will the Behemoth of Brick and Mortar catch him with the unbeatable union buster?

Only $59.99! Call your cable television provider for details!