This Chuck-E-Cheese Will No Longer Offer an “Animal Style” Option on a Secret Birthday Celebration Menu

Dear Staff,

It’s come to my attention that the Chuck E. Cheese off Highway 46 continues to offer a secret “Animal Style” option on their birthday celebration menu. Let’s put aside whether a secret menu is necessary at a business that caters to the desperation of parents or ponder why these clearly broken parents continue to ask for it. For the sake of transparency, here are the specific “Animal Style” celebration features we will no longer offer:

  1. No more having the birthday child to identify their biggest “frenemy” and wagering game tokens as they wrestle in the ball pit greased with buckets of peanut oil. No, guaranteeing to offer “fair odds” does not make it okay.
  2. No more yelling “time for popcorn!”, killing the lights, and chucking skee balls in every direction. Apart from the serious injury risks and thousands of dollars in damage to arcade games, I fail to see a strong thematic connection to “popcorn.”
  3. No more turning all the lights back on and forcing Grayson to wear the Jasper T. Jowls mascot head while slow dancing with the birthday child’s parent as the animatronic band plays a gravel-voiced cover of “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls. No, Grayson does NOT like it.
  4. No more rounds of “Spider Flood” where birthday party attendees race to see which team can be the first to take handfuls of spider rings from the prize station, shove them into the toilets, and flush until the water level in the bathroom reaches the first marking of stall graffiti. And no more forcing Grayson to mop up the mess. No, Grayson does NOT like it.
  5. The Chuck E. Cheese and The Pizza Time Players performance does NOT and should NOT include pyrotechnics.
  6. No more offering the children a “no questions asked” joy ride in Grayson’s car for the bargain price of 50 game tickets.
  7. No more offering to upgrade the pizza by ordering out. That’s non-negotiable. Soggy, ketchup-infused, birthday pizza is an enduring staple of the Chuck E Cheese brand

Finally, I’ve caught wind that a few of you are considering starting a rogue “Chunk” E Cheese in the abandoned Ruby Tuesday’s next door and plan to offer a double-secret birthday menu titled “Oops, All-Animal Style.” I cannot stop you but can only warn you that Charles Entertainment Cheese is one bloodthirsty, litigious rat. I know from experience.

Sincerely,

Martin P. Munch
Regional Manager

Posted in Satisfying