The Vision I Had When I Bought This Kitchen Appliance Versus Reality
Cast-Iron Pan
Vision: I will use it to make one of those olive oil stone fruit upside-down cakes that people call “rustic,” but in a good way.
Reality: The cake turns out “rustic,” but in a bad way.
Food Processor
Vision: All of my stir fries will have perfectly diced vegetables. Each piece will be the same size, so they cook evenly. I will also use it for my morning acai bowl
Reality: When I make a stir fry, I just chop up the vegetables with my teeth and spit them back into the pan, because the food processor is too hard to clean. I have never eaten an acai bowl.
Vegetable Spiralizer
Vision: I will replace the spaghetti that constitutes 60% of my diet with bountiful curls of fresh zucchini. Carbs will be a thing of the past.
Reality: I get carpal tunnel after one use. Carbs are very much a thing of the present.
Salad Spinner
Vision: I will eat salads every day. I will buy fresh lettuce on my way home from work each evening and thoroughly wash and dry it according to CDC guidelines. I will invent a breakfast salad because I just love eating lettuce from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep.
Reality: I made one salad the day I bought it, and now it holds other unused kitchen gadgets in the back corner of one of my cabinets.
Garlic Press
Vision: Pressing garlic is necessary, as every professional chef knows. I will do that pressing thing that one does with a garlic press. That sounds right, right?
Reality: I am pretty sure I am allergic to garlic.
Jack-O-Lantern-Shaped Bundt Cake Pan
Vision: I will win my niece’s Halloween bake sale. All the moms will be impressed by my seemingly effortless whimsy. My victory will finally wipe that smug smile off of Mary Beth’s face.
Reality: I stare at the pan blankly as it takes up an entire cupboard’s worth of space for the other three hundred and sixty-four days of the year. Well, that’s a lie. It’s actually 365 days, and 366 in leap years.
Marble Rolling Pin
Vision: I will learn to bake and become so good at it that I will get rich from my side hustle of making cute little pies from scratch. I will sell them in partnership with a local women-owned coffee shop to raise money for cancer research, which our donations will cure.
Reality: I decide to bake a practice pie and realize I accidentally left the rolling pin in my cart and never actually bought it. I used a wine bottle instead, which immediately slips out of my hand and shatters on the floor. I guiltily donate the cost of the rolling pin to Stand Up To Cancer.
Offset Spatula
Vision: I will use this to frost my own wedding cake. It’ll turn out even better than a professional wedding cake, and my handsome and rich fiancé’s family will be impressed by my talent and resourcefulness. We’ll use the money we saved on an expensive cake for a second honeymoon in Europe.
Reality: I am still single, and also feel dumb for spending $18 on what is essentially a bent butter knife.
14-Piece Bar Set and Accompanying Bar Cart
Vision: I will host lively cocktail parties on the reg, entertaining guests with the flair bartending skills I learn innately due to the mere presence of my 14 bar tools—those are kitchen gadgets, right? I will become especially adept at lighting drinks on fire, a talent that draws “oohs” and “aahs” from the crowd.
Reality: I chug vodka and Red Bulls alone on Tuesday nights while watching Love Island USA. My cat hides from my dog on the top tier of the three-tier, $279.99 bar cart.
Air Fryer
Vision: Fat-free potato chips, non-greasy donuts, and mouth-watering popcorn shrimp will abound!
Reality: This is actually pretty great, honestly. It works so well that I now have much more confidence in my cooking abilities, further encouraging me to purchase even more advanced kitchen gadgets.
Immersion Blender
Vision: No more Hellmann’s! I will be whipping up mayonnaise from scratch. I will also be pureeing fresh gazpacho every week of the summer.
Reality: I accidentally attempted to clean the blade while it was still plugged in. I’m now missing one of my fingertips. Plus, I remembered mayonnaise is gross.