The Secret to a Winning Democratic Campaign Can Be Yours!

Are you a political party wondering how you can appeal to voters and turn around your image? We’re talking to you, Democrats! The secret to re-branding and election victory can be yours! Now! And it’ll only cost you hundreds of millions of dollars!

Get rid of all your in-house polling and focus groups. What have they told you so far? Not enough, apparently! The real answers to winning over voters are still waiting to be found!

We’ve got a group of diner patrons who respect military service and don’t shy away from saying what’s on their mind. Want to know what they think? It can be yours for an easy $15,000 payment!

We figured out the ten words and phrases that Democrats say that make voters foam at the mouth and drown in that foam. You need to know these words to avoid if you want to survive the midterms! And we can get them to you for $4,000 per letter.

Or how about a drinking glass up against the door of a MAHA moms meeting discussing their disappointments with RFK, Jr.? You can have that drinking glass for 900 bucks, no questions asked!

Still don’t have your messaging and values figured out? No problem! We know you’re desperate for data that sounds insightful!

We have a grocery list that a working mother dropped on the way out of the supermarket. What items were on that list? You’ll need to know if you hope to make a campaign commercial addressing her concerns! A downloadable copy of the list can be yours for $999.98 (original list valued at $12 million).

We have another grocery list—same idea as above, but this one we stole from a different working mom. Straight up pushed her down and went through her purse to get it. Are the same things on this list? What are those common items? You’re going to want to have both of these lists!

We’ve got a horse that taps its hooves to spell words. The horse is from Georgia. Georgia? Can you say swing state? Hear what these hooves have to say for just $11,000 per clip-clop!

We know you’ll pay anything to anyone to avoid campaigning on populist economics and on social issues—and it’s never been easier to get us on that list of people you pay!

Do you need cuss words to use to make you sound more authentic? Boy do we have cuss words! The F-word, the SH-word, the B-word—you think you know the words we’re talking about? Want to know for sure? Our Cuss Word Analytics Working Group is convening right now—give us fifty bucks now and we’ll Zoom you in!

Do voters say your party’s brand is weak? We have a muscle-ly man who will let you feel his biceps! Take what you learn from that and win back the House!

We have soil from Pennsylvania. What secrets does it hold? Do you need just a handful of it, or a whole box of it? Buy the whole box, just to be safe.

We know the podcast to go on to. The one that will unlock everything. We’ll tell you the one for $20 million. But we’ll never tell you how we know. You’ll just have to trust us. Can you do that, still? Are you capable of trust anymore?

We can get you the state of Michigan for the weekend. And you can do whatever you want with it. Surveys, door-to-door canvassing, metadata analysis—what ever you want. We know what you like, you sickos.

We’ve got a nice fellow whose eyes roll into the back of his head. He hasn’t said anything yet, but when he does, you know it’ll be good!

Or how about up-to-the minute location data of every Gore-Bush-Obama-Romney-Did-Not-Vote-Trump-Harris voter in the nation? You can view a screen with a map of the U.S. and see where they are going in real time. It’s… hypnotic. Watch it for ten hours straight then immediately give the perfect speech on why democracy matters.

Have you bought any of the above, but are still trying to avoid having your political party make a choice about what it stands for? Then get the whole package! You’ll get the drinking glass, the horse, the grocery lists, the dirt, the Obama handshake tapes (did we not mention we have a supercut of every handshake Obama has given?), all of it for $400 million! That’s only a 10,000% mark up! With all that, you won’t have to show up to a union hall or rural community meeting or a Midwest ever again.

Act now! Or act too late—it’ll be just as useful!