The Rules of Fight Club Book Club

The first rule of Fight Club Book Club is WE ONLY TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. Yes, I’m talking to you, Carl. We’re not here to talk about any of Chuck Palahinuk’s later works. We don’t care what you think of Rant, Haunted, or even the criminally underappreciated Snuff. We’re here to talk about one book, and that book is Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club Book Club is WE ONLY TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB. I’m serious, Carl. None of us care about your recent vacation on Carnival Cruise lines. We would have called ourselves “Carl’s Recent Trip to Barbados with His Kids Book Club” if we did. But we didn’t, Carl, did we?

The third rule of Fight Club Book Club is IF SOMEONE YELLS STOP, GOES LIMP, OR TAPS OUT, THE DISCUSSION IS OVER. I know we’re all passionate about the themes and characters of Mr. Palahinuk’s magnum opus, but no one is trying to get hurt. let’s keep it civil.

The fourth rule of Fight Club Book Club is ONLY TWO GUYS TO A DISCUSSION This is more of a fact than a rule… I thought you were gonna start bringing your buddy from work, Carl. I’m only one man. I can only invite so many people on Facebook.

The fifth rule of Fight Club Book Club is ONE DISCUSSION AT A TIME. And that discussion is about Fight Club. This is your last warning, Carl. I don’t give a shit how sick your wife is. I didn’t start this club to talk about her chemo treatments, your crushing medical debt, or how you haven’t slept in weeks because you’re terrified of waking up without her. I only want to talk about Fight Club. We are only going to talk about Fight Club.

The sixth rule of Fight Club Book Club is YOU NEED TO KEEP YOUR SHIRT AND SHOES ON. I’ve been getting a lot of complaints from the park district about a naked man openly weeping in the men’s room. This is a rented space, Carl, so let’s have a little respect.

The seventh rule of Fight Club Book Club is ALL DISCUSSIONS GO ON AS LONG AS THEY HAVE TO, BUT WE DO NEED TO BE OUT OF HERE BY 3:00. There is a yoga class coming in after us, and I really don’t want to get into it with Crystal about us going overtime again. That’s why we have to stay on topic. That means no more whining about how you have no idea how you’re gonna look your kids in the eyes and tell them that mommy’s gone when the tumor finally wins. Fight Club only.

IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST SATURDAY AFTERNOON AT FIGHT CLUB BOOK CLUB, YOU HAVE TO DISCOURSE… but since it’s just us, I guess you can go first, Carl.