The Fundraising Bots Are Planning a Heist
Hi Friend, this is Kamala Harris. We’re just a few bucks short in key battleground states. Fortunately, I’m putting together a team of allies to ensure we raise much-needed cash. Can we count on your support?
George Clooney here, I’m reaching out as a steadfast supporter of the Democratic party. Your time is valuable, so I’ll be blunt. We’re going to rob a casino.
Hey there, this is Mike Bloomberg, I’m bankrolling a special operation to help support the Harris campaign. We’re not asking for your money, just asking to see if you’re willing to get your hands a little dirty. Thanks to volunteers like you, we know that the Bellagio Casino keeps $100-$150M in their Las Vegas vault.
You won’t BELIEVE what the New York Times just wrote about Kamala. They think her constituents couldn’t pancake their bodies to fit through a labyrinthine system of ventilation ducts and under an 18-ton steel door. Will you help prove them wrong?
Bernie Sanders here, we need a particularly LITHE individual to worm their way through a series of minute air ducts at the casino. My bones are brittle and would snap off like pretzels left in a hot car. Can we count on you to CONTORT your body into the unnatural shapes needed to protect democracy?
You know who this is. This old dog’s still learning a couple of tricks, Jack. Namely, how to disguise about 10 kilos of weapons-grade explosives as precious emeralds. I’ll chat up the dealers, speak their language, say, “hey man, I don’t feel comfortable with my jewels out in the open.” All you have to do is dislocate your hip, so you can corkscrew through the narrow vents of the Bellagio. One last score for Diamond Joe.
This is Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, I understand the working class. Specifically the points on the body that will disable the guards at the vault. All that’s needed is for you to fold in on yourself like a freshly-pressed satin shirt so that I can sneak you down to the ventilation system in a suitcase.
BLUE VICTORY ALERT: Uh oh. We STILL haven’t heard from you and TIME IS RUNNING OUT. Please take this survey to let us know that you’re in position to hit the BLUE button and detonate the explosives expertly planted inside the vault.
Hello from former Vice President Dick Cheney. The key to this campaign is the biometric scanner that opens the third layer of the vault door. I’m reaching across the aisle to hand deliver an important package. Please confirm receipt by reacting with a thumbs up.
Hey, it’s your pal Tim Walz, a father, a husband, a general explosives expert. We’re at the ten-yard line. A team is not judged solely by how much they’ve gone Gumby-mode in a series of dark vents, but how quickly they can stuff hundreds of pounds of cash into duffel bags in the final seconds.
32 STORIES. That’s all it will take. I know we’ve been reaching out a lot lately, but I’m humbly asking, no begging, can you POP your hip back in and RUSH yourself up 32 stories with a grappling hook to the parking garage to acquire the getaway car.
Trump here – the democrats are trying to CUT ME OUT. But I know a deal when I see one. They said I couldn’t cause a distraction on the casino floor disguised as a rich emirate. Oh, they said I couldn’t do the voice… but I’m about to do the voice.
Quick update from the Harris Campaign: We’ve been had. Eat this phone.