Ten Other Studies ExxonMobil Conducted but Conveniently Didn’t Tell Us About
By now, you probably know that ExxonMobil refused to publish an internal study that demonstrated a link between fossil fuel use and climate change. However, you may not know about these ten other internal studies that ExxonMobil also refused to publish.
1. Mouse model clinical study to determine whether or not smoking is bad for you
To absolutely no one’s surprise, mice that smoked six packs of cigs a day had far higher rates of lung cancer than mice that didn’t smoke or only smoked after sex (for context, most of the mice used in the study were terminally unfuckable losers). Although Exxon itself had nothing to lose by sharing these results, the CEO at the time was friends with the CEO of a major cigarette manufacturer (“Marlboro”) and thus decided to hold off on publishing the study.
2. Exploratory animal behavior study to determine whether or not a monkey typing random keystrokes on a computer can recreate the collective works of William Shakespeare
Although results at the time of the experiment’s initiation were inconclusive, rumor has it that this study is still ongoing in one of ExxonMobil’s many secret underground research facilities.
3. Long-term observational study to determine the consequences of marrying a cone of ice cream
The study ended after the cone of peach ripple in question divorced its husband on the grounds that he was having an affair with a strawberry cheesecake. Although the husband vigorously denied the affair, a series of incriminating receipts from the Cheesecake Factory were enough to convince a judge to give the ice cream cone sole custody of the couple’s children and ownership of most of the couple’s assets. To this day, the ex-husband rails against the anti-male/ pro-ice-cream-cone bias of divorce court on Reddit.
4. Cartographic expedition to determine the exact circumference of your mother
Aborted after the research vessel that was circumnavigating your mother inexplicably ceased radio communication somewhere over Hesselbach’s Triangle.
5. Animal welfare study to determine if animals die when you blow them up
Two hundred thousand jackrabbits, four hundred and seventy-one water buffalo, twenty-eight pronghorn antelopes, and one yellow-bellied marmot later, researchers discovered that animals do indeed die when you strap them to bundles of C-4 and light them up in the middle of an abandoned trailer park. Despite the fact that the study was conducted for the explicit purpose of promoting animal welfare, several animal rights activists lambasted the research as a “pointless display of cruelty” and won a court case that prohibited the researchers from publishing their findings. One can only wonder how many innocent jackrabbits might have been saved from recreational explosion if only these findings had not been so cruelly suppressed.
6. Focus panel to determine whether or not “God is dead”
Seven philosophers were assembled in a room and asked a two-part question: 1) Is God dead? and 2) If not, why does He let hundreds of thousands of innocent jackrabbits get blown up in the name of “scientific research”? Similarly to the monkey study, the results at the time of the study’s initiation were inconclusive, and rumors abound that this study is still ongoing in one of ExxonMobil’s many secret underground armchair lounges/ hookah bars.
7. Burning money
The wanton incineration of $2,453,600 in unmarked hundred-dollar bills was listed as a “Research and Development” expense and therefore technically qualifies as a scientific study. The purpose of this study is unclear, but apparently the results were embarrassing enough that the CEO of Exxon chose not to bring it up at all during his company’s annual shareholders’ meeting.
8. Exploratory study to determine what “updog” is
Abandoned after several research interviews failed to uncover any clues other than “Nothing, what’s up with you?” An attempt to blow up a dog proved similarly fruitless.
9. Long-term study to determine if full-scale invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan can quench America’s post-9/11 bloodlust
Apparently, no. But the invasions did succeed in killing tens of thousands of innocent people and in securing billions of dollars in Iraqi oil contracts for ExxonMobil. Nevertheless, Exxon declined to publish these results out of concern that the civilian death toll was not high enough to satisfy the American taxpayers who funded the study.
10. A baking soda volcano
Unceremoniously scooped by a third grader from Glassboro, New Jersey who presented a suspiciously similar project at her school science fair.