Please Join Us for a Celebration of Life Without Uncle Andy
Dear Friends and Family,
It is with heavy hearts that we extend an invitation to a Celebration of Life Without Uncle Andy.
Nobody could’ve predicted Uncle Andy’s untimely death. It was so sudden, the way we went from fearing what slur he might say at the holidays to planning and looking forward to getting the whole family together this December. In fact, we’re hoping to have even more reunions now that Uncle Andy is no longer with us, including a big family trip to Madrid this Spring. It’s not what Uncle Andy would have wanted, which is exactly why we’re excited to make it happen.
Your kind words have meant the world to us. We’ve been impressed by all the roundabout and vague ways you’ve managed to express sympathies without getting into the specifics of what a nightmare this man was. Like one of his former colleagues sent us a letter that said, “He always made his presence felt.” Talk about an understatement. Reading between the lines has brought us all great joy and comfort at this already incredibly joyous and comfortable time, and we can’t thank you enough for all the love and laughter. Especially because Uncle Andy hated jokes.
To everyone who has sent food, thank you. It has really helped us keep the party going. Your lasagnas and tasty treats were exactly what we needed and it’s been so nice to get to enjoy them without Uncle Andy telling us we better cool it on the calories. The flowers have also beautifully brightened up our home, especially now that Uncle Andy isn’t here to call them stupid goddamn wastes of money.
Speaking of money, if you want to make a donation in Uncle Andy’s honor, please consider any organization dedicated to helping children. Uncle Andy was known to terrorize and scold kids to get off his lawn and get out of his way in the grocery store, on the street, and pretty much anywhere he encountered them. It was really humiliating to be out in public with Uncle Andy, and it would be a beautiful homage to undo at least some of the work he dedicated his life to while he was still with us.
Alternatively, if you wish to help support our family trip to Madrid, please feel free to leave cash or checks in the bucket that’ll be outside the memorial service that reads “Adios Uncle Andy.”
The truth is that Uncle Andy contained multitudes. At his worst, he was a truly hateful, combative, and cruel man. At his best, however, he was also really annoying. Uncle Andy’s surviving sister said it feels like she’s been holding her breath for all these years and now, for the first time, she can finally take this exhale and it’s like, wow, she’s been carrying this weight for so long and didn’t even realize it. Uncle Andy’s surviving brother has similarly described the feeling of life without Uncle Andy as “pure ecstasy.”
Like we said, our hearts are heavy. This is because they are filled to the brim with unbridled relief and joy.
And so, we hope you will be able to join us next Saturday for a ceremony and barbecue to honor the passing of Uncle Andy. It’s hard to imagine our family without him, but we know that with our community by our side, we can collectively beckon a future freed from his temper and having to cater to his every whim.
The event will be held at our home where we’ve rented a bouncy castle and ice cream bar. Our family will be wearing bright colors and goofy hats because Uncle Andy would have hated that and again, he’s finally gone. Which never gets old to say.
Oh, and please don’t forget to bring a swimsuit for the slip n’ slide.
All Our Love and Hasta Luego,
Uncle Andy’s Surviving and Thriving Family