Parents, Unfortunately We Are Disbanding Our School’s Curling Team

Greetings Parents,

If you are receiving this, it is because your child was part of the Cedar Canyon High Curling Team. I am saddened to inform you that the team will be disbanding for the following reasons:

• Cedar Canyon High has never actually had a curling team.
• “Coach” Jensen was never employed by the school. He has actually been banned from school grounds several times for starting unauthorized teams and clubs. Unfortunately, his ability to quickly grow and style his facial hair, combined with his extensive collection of eyewear has made his ban difficult to enforce.
• Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before (when questioned, he was unaware it is played on ice).
• Before the “Curling State Championship” Mr. Jensen, sporting an extremely quickly grown handlebar mustache and coke bottle glasses, snuck into the school and organized an unsanctioned pep rally for the curling team—which, again, does not exist. As a result, he generated school spirit under false pretenses and there was hardly any enthusiasm for the football team’s pep rally later that afternoon. I believe this is what caused the football team to lose the district championship.
• The “State Championship” event this past Saturday was, as many of you noted, not a state-sanctioned championship event. I apologize to all of you who met early Saturday morning painted your cars in support of the school and team, and drove in a caravan for 45 minutes to the roller skating rink in Fairmont. For any of the parents who could not make the trip, worry not, you didn’t miss anything. What took place could not be called curling in any capacity. Instead, it seems students and parents were made to watch Mr. Jensen perform an extended, choreographed roller skating routine with 12 of his buddies, all of whom are named Todd. There is nothing inherently wrong with all of them being named Todd, but it’s weird right?
• We are the Cedar Canyon High Bulldogs (the girls basketball team is the Lady Bulldogs, it’s not clear why we have to make that distinction, but we do). We are not The Scorpions. The kick-ass leather jackets Mr. Jensen embroidered with large scorpions are against the school dress code and will be confiscated and kept in my office except on Thursday nights when the Math Department and I do Billy Idol karaoke.
• Mr. Jensen brought in a motivational speaker before the “State Championship.” The speaker, oddly, was actually an Olympic curling bronze medalist. However, he was also named Todd. But, he wasn’t part of the crew of Todds Mr. Jensen went roller skating with. Where is he meeting all these guys named Todd?
• Curling teams usually have five people (including an alternate). Coach Jensen had a roster of 89.
• The extremely large roster has caused a majority of the PTA to be “curling team” parents. This outsized power and representation has given them the ability to elect two school board members who subsequently added to the required summer reading list Mr. Jensen’s self-published book titled: Principal Anderson Has Weird Legs.
• Despite the outrageous size of his team, there were tryouts. Ninety kids tried out. So he only cut one kid, and that kid was named Todd. Something is obviously going on here but we spent the last board meeting discussing it and no one can figure it out.
• One time Mr. Jensen told some of the other teachers that he saw me Googling “foods besides asparagus that can make your pee smell more “interesting.” When I denied it, he told me to pull out my phone in front of everyone and show my search history. So I did, but when I opened my phone I accidentally revealed a Reddit thread on r/longshins where I was discussing fashion tips for men whose knees are much higher up their legs than you’d expect. He references this in his book all of the kids now have to read and my lawyer says there is nothing I can do about it.
• Even though the “State Championship” Mr. Jensen took your children to was fake, he did bring back what looks to be crudely modified bowling trophy boasting Cedar Canyon as the fourth runner-up in “culring (sic).” As a show of goodwill, it will be displayed in the trophy case where the football team’s district championship trophy would’ve gone had they not lost thanks to a lackluster pep rally.

Hopefully this extensive list makes the reasoning behind our decision clear. I know many of your children will be saddened to lose an extracurricular activity, luckily a man with large, bushy sideburns and horn-rimmed glasses just walked into my office and has generously offered to start up a unicycling club for any interested former curlers.

Sincerely,

Principal Todd Anderson