It’s Me, Your CEO, and I Can See Your Slack Messages About My Hair Transplant
Dear esteemed colleagues, if I can even call you that,
I am a very busy man. So I don’t always have the time to scroll through private messages sent over the company server, which costs the firm a boatload of money, by the way. I was shocked to see such vitriol aimed at myself and my new hair enhancement—it’s simply not the CloudMindTech way.
Despite what a lowly software engineer claimed in the #engineersonly Slack channel, I did not use the company private jet to fly to Turkey for a hair transplant. If you must know, I used the company jet to fly to Turkey to scout a new Center for Innovation and Excellence, a pioneering hub for artificial empathy and machine learning maximization. Forgive me for trying to secure you a cafeteria with a view, my ungrateful employees!
It is also ridiculous to suggest I am in the throes of a mid-life crisis, as a product marketing manager did in a cheeky email to her direct report. My personal health and wellness team can attest to my youthful wonder. In fact, I am forty-two years old and on track to live to one hundred and twelve years old. Here at CloudMindTech, we know how to do basic math, don’t we? The numbers don’t lie: I’m physically a teenager and intellectually a giant among men.
As your CEO, I have been open and transparent about everything, from my public divorce to the exposé on rampant insider trading. And to think, you repay me for that honesty by texting Photoshopped images of my hair on Perry the Platypus on your encrypted cell phones? Not only is it cruel, but Perry is a copyrighted character that exposes CloudMindTech to grave risk: a lawsuit from Disney.
To my professional horror, the ruthless bullying did not stop there. When I tapped into the Amazon Alexa stationed by the flavored water cooler, I overheard our Chief Humanlike Internal Culture Officer mutter, “He’s been obsessed with restructuring since his consulting days, but I didn’t think he’d restructure his bald head!” I share this hearsay with you from a position of radical honesty, and I wish our CHICO well on her future endeavors.
After that Shakespearean betrayal, I was forced to go old school. The CloudMindTech teddy bears you received instead of a holiday bonus contained button eye security cameras. I am grateful to the members of our top-notch security team, who pored through the footage for signs of mockery and ridicule. Terry Galveston, I watched your feeble attempt at an impression of me. Your wife’s laugh was one of pity, as you are woefully unskilled at my specific North Carolina accent. I would tell you to stick to your day job, but as of this email you don’t have one anymore. Please return your badge, your company-issued technology, and the bear.
In the cold plunge this morning, I had a final moment of clarity about this employee-led harassment campaign. At CloudMindTech, we know that the mind is the most powerful form of technology. The only way to stop a vicious firestorm like this one is to attack the point of entry.
For this reason, I have activated a software update to the microchips in our cranium network. As a company, we will recalibrate our minds towards the clear purpose of CloudMindTech: empowering the world with seamless efficiencies and digital optimization. Tomorrow, we will all arrive to our offices with a clean mental state and no knowledge of a silly little hair transplant.
I look forward to seeing the results of this transformation in our Q4 earnings.
Yours truly,
CloudMindTech CEO