I’m Your Mom, and I Got You the World’s Ugliest Shirt for Christmas

I know we said no gifts… but I just couldn’t resist! I was at the outlets, decompressing after my lunch with Carol (she’s “gluten-free” again), and I decided to pop into the Nordstrom Rack. That’s where I found it—the ugliest shirt you’ve ever seen.

I just had to get it for you.

Don’t you love it? It’s got a nice high collar, but three-quarters-length sleeves, so it’s not too formal. You could wear it out with your friends, or to job interviews, once you stop bartending! And the pattern is SO unique. I got you an XXXL, since you seem to love wearing clothes that don’t fit you properly. It’ll definitely be too big, even if you’ve put on a few pounds.

Admittedly, the colors are a bit bright, but I asked Carol, and she said that her daughter said that orange is very “in” right now. You remember Carol’s daughter, don’t you? Melody? With the eczema? She used to be a real chunkster, but then she started distance swimming. She’s in law school now, by the way. You should meet up with her! You could wear the shirt!

What’s that? You don’t think the shirt is quite your style?

That is the single most hurtful thing I have ever heard in my entire fucking life.

I bought you this shirt because I thought you would like it. But apparently I’m a TERRIBLE MOTHER, because it’s “not quite your style”! Would I wear it? Well, no, but you wouldn’t want to wear something your uncool mom would wear, would you? Would Carol’s daughter wear it? Of course not, but she’s going to be a lawyer. You’re not like that, sweetie. You’re artistic.

No, I didn’t mean “gay.” Please don’t put words in my mouth! If I meant “gay,” I would’ve said “gay.” For the record, I don’t have any problem with you being gay. Sometimes, I wish I were gay! Then I wouldn’t have to put up with your father, am I right?

Don’t roll your eyes at me!

Just so we’re clear: if you don’t IMMEDIATELY wear this shirt out, I WILL kill myself. Well, maybe not, but I’ll definitely make it seem like I might! You have to understand—my self-esteem is completely and inexplicably tied to this shirt. I NEED you to like it. That’s just how it works. And if you don’t, I’m going to guilt trip you so hard you’ll still be apologizing in your eulogy!

What’s that? You love it? Oh darling, that’s wonderful news! I knew you would! You can wear it out tonight, to dinner with Gam-Gam! You’re going to get so many compliments! And who knows? Maybe our waiter will be gay, too.

Oh, I almost forgot—I got you some matching pants! I know, I know, but I couldn’t resist. They’re baggy and covered in holes, just the way you like them.

And don’t worry sweetheart—they’re from the men’s section. God forbid you wear anything that flatters your figure.