I’m in the Market for a Dingy Nightgown for My Possessed Teenage Daughter

You may be wondering why I, a simple Missouri farmer, have arrived hat-in-hand into this Goodwill asking for your assistance. You see, my daughter, who up until recently was a happy-go-lucky, devoutly religious 13-year-old with a bright future, recently became possessed by a demon and I fear that her current wardrobe just isn’t conducive to this situation. I’m going to have to call for an exorcist soon, and it just won’t do for her to be garbed in her typical house-wear of leggings and a cozy sweater when he arrives. This situation clearly calls for a dingy nightgown.

This is where you come in. Would you be able to point me in the right direction?

You see, apparel was always something her mother took care of, but she sadly passed two years ago. I’m there for my baby girl as much as I can be, but my farm’s been in dire straits with these poor harvests we’ve been having, and I haven’t been able to provide much guidance beyond hollering at her to be wary of boys as she skips happily out of the house with her friends. She’s just growing up so fast. The least I can do is make sure she’s properly attired for her combative interaction with an internally conflicted man of God.

If I can be perfectly frank, I’m so ashamed that I didn’t prepare for this situation sooner. There had been weeks of warning signs, starting with relatively mild but extremely out of character outbursts of profanity and a sudden unwillingness to go to church, during which I should have thought to prepare her outfit.

Now the countless wooden crucifixes adorning our drab, gable front house are regularly turning upside-down as my little angel is levitating above her bed and pitching fits at three in the morning, and she’s still wearing the typical clothing of a teenage girl whose person hasn’t been violated by one of Lucifer’s loyal demons.

My blessed Annie must be rolling over in her grave. Well, I vow to turn this around right now.

As such, I’m going to need something functional, but also relatively warm in case she darts away from her bedroom during the exorcism and gets into the barn. The animals have been terrified of her ever since Lamashtu took control of her body, and I’m almost certain she’ll want to go out there and terrorize them at some point while we’re trying to help her. Who knows, the exorcism might even culminate out there, and I don’t want her catching pneumonia. The demon obviously hasn’t been allowing her to eat well, and I fear her constitution has been severely affected.

No, that is WAY too bright. I’m looking for something drab, most preferably grey, but a simple brown would do. Blue and yellow are pushing it, but they can work in a pinch if they’re dull and faded enough. We live a very simple, puritanical rural life, and I want her exorcism ensemble to reflect that. She’d look ridiculous breaking her own fingers and spitting in a priest’s face in neon.

OK, this one will do. I’m not terribly keen on the floral trim, but the worn grey and long sleeves are perfect. Thank you so much for the excellent service.

By the way, do you take toy donations? I’d like to get this Ouija board out of the house as soon as possible.