I’m Hosting a Chic Party in a Comedy Movie and NOBODY WILL END UP IN THAT POOL

Ah what a life, to have a manicured lawn complete with sparkling blue swimming pool. The diamond of the yard, to be admired, NOT fallen into!

No, no, no, this is not a pool party, we’re wearing silks and drinking cocktails! This is a catered affair, passed apps on silver trays. Please try the Ahi Tuna croquette puffs, eat it off a toothpick next to that pool, just full of wet, wet water

Oh how I love to fill this yard with my most sophisticated friends! You know the type, art dealers from the world of art dealing, journalists who venture into the jungle in a BBC way not in a Vice way, full of themselves venture capitalists, mischievous little dogs, and a lady in a tiara. I do love to entertain.

If one of my well dressed guests or heaven forbid, the host, MOI—splashed into the pool due to hijinks, a farcical misunderstanding, or physical comedy, I simply don’t know if I’d ever recover. Especially after what happened at my masquerade ball last year. Let’s just say the someone I kissed was NOT the someone I thought that someone to be!

On the docket for this soiree? Polite conversation, smiling, inoffensive jokes, tittering, sipping martinis, light sneering, watch checking, soft applause for a titillating announcement, and staying dry. Oh how this set loves being dry, adores it even! I’d say it’s their second favorite thing after having an evening with no surprising disruptions.

Good GOD will you look at that pool. PRISTINE. Rafe came on Thursday to refill the water, do the chlorine, remove the leaves, etc. Rafe is the best pool guy in town for pools no one goes into. He’s expensive but he’s worth it. Rafe told me his girlfriend expects a ring soon. With all the work I’ve given him, he can afford quite the rock.

That is if he decides to settle down. Rafe is young, handsome, with a thriving pool business and doesn’t need this sort of pressure from his girlfriend.He says he loves his girlfriend, but appreciates being given the space to do things in his own time. Rafe also said if anyone goes in my pool all of his hard work will have been for nothing and it’ll be like spitting right in his face.

Rafe need not worry, because nothing will go awry tonight, not at this event. That event of course being the launch of my dear politician friend’s campaign for Mayor, my beautiful youngest daughter’s engagement party to Wallington Camera (of the Northeast Cameras), and of course Great Grandmama’s 113th birthday. She was born on the Titanic, first class—hates water. We all do. I wouldn’t even have this pool if it wasn’t load bearing for the house.

Yes, you could say I’m confident about this event going exactly as planned, I even wore white and served red wine. All is just smooth smooth sailing and–

Oh! There’s that lady I know who’s a bit quirky and klutzy, she’s always falling in love and just plain falling. And look who else arrived, that manic, flailing man who’s trying to balance work and family—he looks just like Jim Carrey.