From Your Airbnb Host: Please Do Not Disturb Big Dolly
Hi Maggie!
We’re so excited to have you stay at our beautiful cottage in the heart of the Finger Lakes. We know you will have a wonderful trip. A couple of notes:
- We left a bottle of our favorite vintage from the region and some other goodies in the living room. Hope you enjoy!
- The coffee maker can be a little tricky—you just have to jiggle the handle a bit and it should get brewing in no time!
- Please don’t move Big Dolly from her perch on the top of the wardrobe. Other guests have made similar attempts with unsavory results.
- There’s a lovely cafe called Petunia’s about a block from the cottage. Their cheddar cheese scones are amazing! There’s sometimes a bit of a wait, but it’s well worth it.
Have a great stay!
—Sasha
Hi Maggie,
So glad your check-in went smoothly. I know—the view is incredible! My husband and I love sitting out on the porch and watching the scenery.
As for your question about Big Dolly, I understand your concern about a Victorian doll covered in real ashes from a 200-year-old fireplace watching you from the top of the wardrobe as you sleep (or attempt to, haha!). Unfortunately, you may not cover her with a towel. She doesn’t like that. Other guests have made similar attempts with unsavory results.
—Sasha
Hey Maggie,
Very cool that you met Petunia of Petunia’s on one of the trails in person! She’s just the loveliest. Hope you got to sample the cheddar scones at her cafe. They’re truly to die for.
Speaking of dying, your concern about Big Dolly staring at you “like she wanted to strangle [you] with the sash of a Primrose Place
monogrammed bathrobe” is completely warranted. However, you may not turn her to face the wall while you and your boyfriend attempt to make love. I don’t want to alarm you, but other guests have tried to do that with upsetting results.
—Sasha
Maggie,
Sorry, the water pressure in the shower can’t be changed. I also apologize for Big Dolly watching you while you bathe “like she wanted to lick the soap suds from the loofah while squirting vanilla-scented shampoo directly into [your] eye sockets.” No, I’m not sure how she moved from the bedroom, given that she is an inanimate Victorian doll. No, this is not the first time this has happened. Yes, others have used that precise phrasing.
—Sasha
Maggie,
I’m so sorry that the bedroom accommodations are not to your liking. We did make it clear that the bed was a queen, not a king, though I believe it can easily accommodate two average-sized adults and a small Victorian doll.
—Sasha
Maggie,
I really did not appreciate your tone in your previous message. Saying I was “missing the point” about your concern about waking up to find Big Dolly spooning your boyfriend but still watching you “like she was Mona Lisa and her eyes were following [you] everywhere, but not in a way where she didn’t want to kill [you] with a Primrose Place monogramed butcher knife” was condescending. I am an intelligent person. I also did not appreciate your questioning me as to why a supposedly “quaint and charming” Airbnb req uired three monogrammed butcher knives.
—Sasha
Maggie,
Big Dolly is a Victorian doll. She did not “disappear” your boyfriend. I don’t want to make assumptions, but is it possible that your boyfriend saw some things in your personality he didn’t like? I have seen some of those things myself, based on the tenor of our last exchange.
—Sasha
Maggie,
You could have taken your things with you when you left the Airbnb in the middle of the night. We will not be sending them to you.
—Sasha