Famous Outlaws of the American West
Mild Bill was an outlaw and famous gunslinger from Dodge City. Known for his completely rational temperament and valid complaints, he famously took down two sheriffs with his silent treatment, and furrowed his brows at anyone being loud after 7 PM. He once scared off a rival gang of stagecoach robbers with his passive-aggressive stink eye and excessive sighing. While other outlaws came to Dodge City to swig whiskey and fist-fight and spit tobacco into spittoons, Mild Bill preferred to spend his nights playing Scrabble, drinking probiotic soda, and enjoying a light Caesar salad if he really felt frisky.
In 1868, The Rocky Mountain News reported that Julius “Musky” Musgrave was back in the mining town of Creede, Colorado, terrorizing citizens with his body odor that smelled like a cross between horse sweat and badly burnt soufflé. Law enforcement was called and, after an intense shootout where nobody was injured but everybody mumbled, “Jeez laweez, this be cray cray” under their breath, the notorious Musky was captured and sentenced to nine days of spa treatment.
Fleeing creditors back East (he overdrafted his checking account at Crate & Barrel), Jimmy “Sticky Fingers” Stevenson ended up in the heart of the Wyoming Territory where he began every conversation with, “Oh God, where am I? Is this all there is? Please tell me there’s more.” He got his nickname Sticky Fingers not from being a famous thief, but because he made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches using only his hands.
Fannie Oakley was like the other famous figure of the American West, Annie Oakley, except whereas Annie Oakley was a famous sharpshooter, Fannie was famous for wearing snazzy sunglasses while snowboarding and replying, “Oh my God literally,” to literally anything.
Jim Bob Bill scandalized the Kansas Territory by having three first names and no last name, and Big Hoss Pot Bellied Crooked Nose Pete had so many nicknames nobody invited him to join their gang because his name tag would be so big it was cost preventative. Likewise, Sarcastic Sam was alienated from respectable society because nobody knew if he was joking or actually being mean. The famous Colonel Short was an ex-Union officer who became a cattle rancher, Texas Ranger, and part-time Pilates instructor after the Civil War before he turned to a life of crime. A warrant went out for his arrest, citing a long list of crimes against humanity, such as not properly weighing the fruit he bought at the store, and using the family bathroom even though he was by himself.
Everyone knows Buffalo Bill Cody, the scout and buffalo hunter turned famous showman, but nobody remembers Buffalo Bills Cody, the extremely hectic football fan in upstate New York, who got blackout drunk every Sunday and blamed every problem in his life on his defense’s inability to stop the run.
Along the Oregon Trail, Hank the meta-robber would only rob robbers who robbed other robbers; and in Boulder, Colorado Hipster Harold would sit in cafes or bars, drink double IPAs, and interrupt his first date anytime a thought popped into his head. Ranting Randall was a grave threat to the unsuspecting citizens of Tombstone, Arizona, with his victims describing his dastardly habit of innocently approaching them before diving headlong into long-winded rants about politics, the price mustache wax, and recipes for Chilean seabass even though nobody asked him.
Truly, the West was a wild place.