Don’t Be Nervous on Your First Day of Time Travel Because You Retired Yesterday After Fifty Years and We’re All Going to Miss You

You must be Ed! Welcome to Peterson! Don’t worry, first-day jitters are normal. We just need you to fill out some paperwork and you’ll be all set.

If you don’t mind me asking, what sparked your interest in time travel? DON’T ANSWER THAT. YOU’LL OPEN A TEAR IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM. I’m kidding. Time travel joke. We are so happy to have you here. Well, we were.

Ed! Hard to believe it’s been fifty years already. Your service to your planet has not gone unnoticed. Enjoy your retirement.

Ed! Are you enjoying your first day? Did you bring lunch? We ordered Cane’s chicken. It should be here in two hours. It was delicious. I’m stuffed. It’s your turn to clean up! I can’t wait until it gets here. I’m starving. Did you bring lunch? What should we order?

Periodically you might encounter your double. Do not engage, especially for sex. Never, ever have sex with your double. I know I sound crazy right now. You probably think that’s the best reason to work here.

Ed! Today is a big onboarding day for you, huh? Lot of paperwork. I remember my first day like it was tomorrow. Sorry, time travel joke.

One time after a particularly stressful mission, I thought my little brother disappeared from an old family photo, but then I realized it was taken before he was born. I felt so silly for overreacting. And then of course later he disappeared for real on his honeymoon.

Time isn’t a flat circle, Ed. It’s multiple circles in all directions. And they aren’t really circles, or flat, or time. The only flat circle is the one where we stand together, living in this exact moment. You taught me that. I love you.

Once in a while you’ll return from a mission skinless—BRIEFLY. It’s painless and harmless, and once you get used to it, pretty fascinating, Frankly, I welcome it now. And yet, I stopped watching Stranger Things because of the nosebleeds. Isn’t that silly?

Ed, be honest; should I go back to grad school?

Ed, you’ve been cleared for your first mission, an easy Particle 77 swap on Mars 3, which just exploded this morning, and also five years ago. Don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. Although, you are the person who discovered Particle 77, and you are the person who said it would be easy to swap, so that’s on you, blood on your hands and so on. Where were we? Oh yes, paperwork.

Five minutes until half-time. I love you guys. 2019 is gonna be our year. Everybody in, “Maroon 5 Super Bowl” on three. One! Two! Three! MAROON 5 SUPER BOWL!

Once I ran into my double, and we were both buying Pop-Tarts. I mean, if I was ever going to have sex with my double, it would have to be that meet-cute, right? But I did not. Just a quick sniff of his jumpsuit in line at the self-checkout. Heaven.

Ed! My god, you’re alive? We had a funeral and everything. I sang a beautiful song.

Are you Ed? It’s me, Gary! From the apps? This place is so loud! The back room is really popping, but they won’t let us in unless we take our shirts off.

Where do you see yourself in five years? A little joke we make around here is “WHEN do you see yourself in five years?” I love that sort of thing. Do you need a pen?

Ed! Bienvenu! Tu dois compléter de paperasse à faire.

We don’t overthink things here at Peterson; it’s just a job. I try to keep a little perspective by remembering we’re all made of stardust. Well, except Denise in Receiving. It’s a long story.

Did you know your parents? Before they met? Oh listen to me prattle on. None of us ever truly know our parents.

I’m not supposed to tell you anything I’ve learned about your future, and you can never tell me anything you’ve learned about mine. Unless Amy Adams wins an Oscar. Tell me immediately. Wait, no, I want to be surprised.

Chiropractor. That’s what I wanted to be. But my dad said it’s not real medicine, and you’d think I’d have been driven to become a doctor instead, but here I am. I just really focused on what I loved, and I had to go all the way back to Little League and how cool I felt in that custom three-quarter length sleeve. Sorry, once I get started I do go on. How about you? What sparked your interest in custom t-shirts?

Ed! Welcome! I’ll be showing you around today. Let’s get you started on that paperwork. I’ve been with Peterson a long time. Stick with me and you’ll catch on quick. And then maybe you can train me. I start in three months.