Congratulations, Your AI-Powered Surgery Was Mostly a Success!

You’re receiving this email because our AI-powered patient portal marked you as having recently received a surgery at one of our state-of-the-art urgent care facilities.

If this is incorrect, please disregard all of the following sensitive healthcare information about somebody who isn’t you, but happens to have a confusingly similar name. We’d also advise you to follow up with our billing department as soon as possible, because it’s now your responsibility to prove you don’t owe us $36,201.87.

If you are the correct patient: Congratulations! Your AI-powered appendectomy went surprisingly well, all things considered.

Your first question, of course, must be, “Did we get the appendix out?” Yes. Most of it. Eventually. So, in terms of having any more appendix to suddenly rupture inside your guts, there isn’t more than a couple scoops left and we think it’s highly unlikely to explode a second time. In fact, our AI Med School grading bot gave your surgery a B-, which is pretty satisfactory, because remember, even med school students who get a D- still graduate.

Now, as you may or may not recall from the fine print on page 76 of the consent form you signed (while writhing in pain on the Emergency Department waiting room floor), this surgery was performed by our AI surgeon, FRKNSTN. We kindly thank you for supporting our research mission to find new ways to see just how profitable medicine can become.

While still in beta testing, FRKNSTN is set to revolutionize the speed and accuracy at which major and minor surgeries can be performed. Will it put people’s lives at risk and good surgeons out of work? Probably, but that’s a price you are willing to pay, as evidenced by your own signature (see page 76 of attached patient consent form.).

While FRKNSTN was performing your operation, our AI Surgical Assistant, IGR, took notes as the procedure progressed. We’ll be use this real-time training data and better assist you and other patients moving forward. The notes were as follows:

  • Surgery begins. FRKNSTN’s hydraulic arm knocks over the sterilized instrument tray. Grabs scalpel off floor.
  • FRKNSTN makes an initial incision just under the left nipple. FRKNSTN quickly realizes this is way off. FRKNSTN takes a mulligan and makes another incision, closer to where the appendix is. Crisis averted.
  • FRKNSTN gets a little squeamish at “all the icky stuff inside.” Digitally vomits everywhere.
  • A careless hospital administrator (Janet M.) copy-and-pastes a local Thai restaurant’s takeout menu into FRNKSTN’s prompt bar during your operation. FRKNSTN, with near human-like adaptability, learns the difference between “intestines” and “noodles” soon enough to stop anything from going seriously awry.
  • We’re training FRKNSTN to be personable with the staff, as we believe all trusted surgeons should be. So if you’ve been hearing a slight jingle while walking, you’re not going crazy. Those are a set of car keys that FRKNSTN lost somewhere in your abdomen while playing a harmless prank on one of the scrub nurses. Medically, you’re totally fine, but we cannot guarantee this won’t be an issue at airports.
  • Due to your signature on the aforementioned consent form (again, see: page 76), FRKNSTN removes one of your unnecessary kidneys to sell on an organ/cryptocurrency exchange. You can access your portion of the proceeds through our patient portal using the promo code “Kidney_Fall2025”.
  • You now have a medical condition called Opposite Feet. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. FRNKSTN switched your feet around. We guess it decided to play a prank on you, too. It must really like you! (We’ll be referring you to one of our AI Physical Therapists for a slightly reduced fee.)
  • FRKNSTN notices excess belly fat, assumes this is why your sex life is so lame, performs improvised tummy tuck. You’re welcome.
  • It seems everyone at the hospital was arguing about what to order for dinner the night you came in, and some parts of a Chinese food menu also slipped into the FRNKSTN’s prompt queue. When you come back in for your follow up, x-rays should help us understand how FRNKSTN interpreted the phrase “spare ribs.”
  • FRKNSTN sutures everything up. And we mean everything. Abdomen. Mouth. Eyes. Nostrils. Anus. Scrub nurses have to undo these “silly stitches” as FRKNSTN laughs hysterically through a series of 1s and 0s. FRKNSTN then uses hydraulic arms to grab your shoulders and shake you violently back to consciousness.

Thank you again for trusting LifeNet Hospitals, where your health and safety come first, but making a big profit comes just before that. Please log in to the patient portal to schedule your follow-up appointments.

Sincerely, Janet M.,
LifeNet Health Executive Administrator*

*LifeNet is a Subsidiary of UnitedHealthcare

Posted in Satisfying