Colleagues Agree, the Season’s Hottest Lunch Break Destination Is Your Car
After a long morning of ignoring emails and attending meetings camera-off, you’ve worked up quite an appetite. Time to put the corporate grind on pause and bask in the only true hour of freedom you get during the work day: the lunch break.
Sure, you could drive to pick up some $20 mix of ingredients haphazardly thrown into a flimsy bowl by a hungover college sophomore. But who needs to waste precious seconds when you just climbed into the front seat of the most exclusive dining experience in town? That’s right, your car. Goodbye Chipotle, hello 2018 Corolla.
When it comes to ambience, the car delivers in spades. Enter a modern interior of neutral grays paired tastefully against, well, more gray. Dine under the romantic glow of a check engine light left ignored. (We’re sure it’ll go away on its own eventually… right?) Let the stress of middle management melt away as you sink into the plush seating, textured with a mosaic of coffee stains from morning commutes past. You don’t have to buckle up, but you will, just to feel the comfort of something embracing you.
We recommend trying today’s special, leftover salmon, prepared in the office microwave tradition—burnt to a crisp on the edges and, are you kidding me, somehow still ice cold in the middle. Don’t worry, those not able to taste this delectable delight will still have the chance to smell its pungent remnants wafting through the break room for days to come.
Best of all, there’s no need to lug that heavy [insert whatever soon-forgotten brand of insulated tumbler or thermos is currently trending at time of reading] out to the parking lot. We offer a wide variety of refreshing beverages, if by “wide variety” you mean Coke Zero, served lukewarm in a half-empty bottle that’s been sitting in your cup holder for days.
The car is proud to offer two choices of entertainment this afternoon, each carefully selected to enhance the lavish sensory experience already in motion. Please select from the following:
A podcast exploring the grisly details surrounding a string of unsolved murders in a town similar to your own. This auditory nightmare fuel comes recommended by Jillian in accounting, who found this episode to be, and we quote, “Perfect background noise.”
Mindlessly scroll your social media platform of choice with one hand as you stuff your face with the other. Don’t forget to send that video entitled, “Which Frog Reminds You of Me,” to your significant other.
“Lol you’re #5 and #9,” they’ll write.
“Lol,” you’ll respond, slightly upset they didn’t pick #3. (Come on, you’re obviously #3.)
By now, you’ve been whisked away to an automotive paradise not even Henry Ford could have dreamed of. And would you look at that, still twenty minutes left in your break. Now that lunch service has concluded, we invite you to ease your seat back and–
Huh? Oh, you didn’t shell out for the power recline option? Well, in that case, we invite you to pull your seat adjustment lever and fling back violently into an uncomfortably horizontal position. Luckily, with all the money you saved, you’ll easily be able to afford a chiropractor visit for the disk you just herniated.
Yes, the true pièce de résistance of any car lunch experience is the power nap. Sleep experts suggest that just 10 minutes of shut eye can yield hours of energy to get you through the rest of the day. So close those peepers, crank up the AC, and enjoy a brief snooze. We’ll check in shortly.
…a display of terror unlike anything the small community had seen before…
Did you hear something?
…the gore…
Wait a second–
…the sheer horror…
Okay, did you–
…the local DA found mishandling key evidence that would have surely locked the Bowling Alley Bruiser away for good…
–You picked Jillian’s podcast, didn’t you?
Well, it’s about time to head back into the office. Inevitably, in your rush to get inside, you’ll forget the food container now housing the final bits of your entree. But don’t fret, it’ll be waiting for you in the passenger seat, soaking in direct sunlight all afternoon. We sure hope you enjoyed your visit to the car. Please consider joining us in the morning for our mobile breakfast menu, featuring a protein bar with a side of merging onto the interstate.