Circles of Hell Revised for Badly Behaved Prospective Employers

LIMBO: For employers who ghost a candidate.

These would-be employers sit in non-ergonomic chairs at a conference table with no water while wearing slightly-too-small, non-breathable business casual attire for eternity thinking, “I bet the perfect candidate is about to walk in.” Footsteps approach the door at random intervals, but no one ever enters.

LUST: For employers who flatter, compliment, and lead on their competing job seekers, ending every interview with, “Can’t wait to be in touch!” when they have no intention of being in touch.

These prospective employers spend eternity interviewing candidates who praise their company, have extensive knowledge of their potential position, and end their interviews with such teasers as, “I can’t wait to hear from you!” Upon receiving an offer, the candidate reveals that they have taken a position at a competing company that is run by the prospective employer’s toxic ex.

GLUTTONY: For employers who require a master’s degree but pay minimum wage with no benefits.

These are forced to lie beneath the crushing weight of their candidates’ multiple terminal degrees and interminable student debt while a lawyer whispers the terms and conditions of Graduate PLUS Loans into their ear like a lover.

GREED: For those who request multiple interviews, hyper-specific work samples related to the singular company’s niche, and a day-long “test exercise,” wherein candidates are required to spend twelve hours completing tasks ranging from a timed writing sample to fighting a lion.

These souls are condemned to interview each other for all eternity, build fully realized projects out of hypothetical scenarios, and rub the belly of a lion unscathed.

WRATH: Reserved for employers who blacklist a potential candidate because the candidate “liked” a Luigi Mangione look-alike contest on Instagram.

They are forced to comb through every Facebook photo album from 2007–2012 and flag all images that contain red solo cups, lit cigarettes, and ceramic 101 projects that are clearly not “vases.” When they miss one they must start over.

HERESY: Scammers who trick job-seekers into giving them personal information.

These bad actors are conned out of every penny they own by their most embarrassing crush every day in the same way, despite vividly remembering being conned out of every penny they own the day before and the day before that and the day before that.

VIOLENCE: For employers who request a résumé and also have a form on the application portal forcing job seekers to re-enter all the information on their résumé into text boxes which do not allow copy and paste.

Offenders shovel a single garbage pile weighing several thousand tons from one location to another until each piece is placed in the new pile. They then must shovel the entire pile back to the original location, ad infinitum. The shovel is a salad fork.

FRAUD: For employers who know the candidate that will be hired for a role, but post the job listing and interview candidates they don’t intend to hire in order to meet quotas and appease their human resources department.

Every day until the end of time, they interview an exceptional candidate for a highly technical position. It goes pretty well, actually—the would-be employer feels like they bond over their shared love of their a capella groups during their college years. When they extend an offer they find the candidate was using them as leverage to increase their compensation at their current role with an evil rival company across the street—one they had no intention of leaving. The candidate then reveals they’ve never even seen Pitch Perfect.

LINKEDIN: For former classmates who forward you inspirational LinkedIn posts instead of referring you to their firm that’s currently hiring.

These connections are trapped inside of LinkedIn for all time, where they are forced to network with HR solutions that will leverage your workforce, MBA programs unlike any other, and pay full price for LinkedIn Premium.