An Obituary for Thomas Sutton Who Is Absolutely Dead

Thomas Sutton passed away last Friday evening under completely normal circumstances. Thomas is survived by his wife Kathleen and his daughter Jasmine, both of whom probably wish they’d treated him better and not laughed at him when he worked up the courage to share the slam poetry he’d written about his struggles with IBS.

Thomas will be remembered as a great father and loving husband who could dunk, and who made a really good potato salad that tasted delicious, not weird. The cilantro and dill actually went well together. It wasn’t gross at all, Kathleen.

Despite the comments his neighbor Kevin left on Thomas’ Facebook posts, Thomas will be remembered by so many as a wonderful artist. His experimental, erotic Spiderman art was thought-provoking and evocative, and not, as Kevin so often claimed, “inappropriate for a neighborhood watch Facebook group.” Because Thomas’ collection of drawings is so good, his wife and daughter would be stupid to throw them away. If they were smart, they would probably put all the drawings in a big box behind the shed and forget about them.

Thomas wasn’t perfect. He lied sometimes. For instance, when he said the only safe way to store money was to buy gold and then bury the gold in the woods, that was a lie. He didn’t do that, so there’s no point in trying to find his treasure. If you do go to find his treasure though, and you see a bunch of holes that have already been dug up, that means someone else got there first and found all the gold so just give up. It doesn’t mean Thomas remembers the general vicinity, but has forgotten the exact location where he buried the gold.

A few points of confusion surrounding Thomas’ untimely death need to be cleared up. Thomas did not die, as the news reported, “getting whipped in the ass while riding a four-wheeler.” What Thomas’ idiot friend Todd MEANT to tell reporters was that he died “doing whipass stunts on his four-wheeler, including a backflip THAT HE LANDED before the four-wheeler blew up and completely incinerated Thomas in a huge, awesome fireball.”

Police also claimed no body was recovered at the scene, which they said was suspicious. But, if police interviewed that absolute moron Todd again, he would certainly remember that there WAS a body. A very expensive body from a very weird guy on Craigslist. Todd would surely remember to tell police to look at the bottom of the hill, next to Goose Creek. There, they would find a body whose teeth had all been blown out by the huge four-wheeler explosion, making it impossible to identify the body using dental records and forcing police to take Todd’s word that the body was indeed his best friend and hero: Thomas Sutton.

Todd should be able to corroborate all of those details immediately so that the paperwork can be finished and any life insurance money can be released to the beneficiary by Thursday.

Speaking of life insurance, it’s not suspicious that someone took out a life insurance policy on Thomas two days before he passed away. Life insurance is normal. AND the policy he took out was just a medium-sized policy. If he were going to fake his death, wouldn’t he have picked out a huge, multimillion dollar policy? The only reason to pick a policy with a modest payout would be if Thomas was planning on living a long time or if the form was really confusing when he was filling it out.

If we’re looking for suspicious behavior, look no further than Kevin down the street. Two days after Thomas’ death, Kevin showed up with a lasagna, the second most seductive pasta dish, for Kathleen. He heard Kathleen was single and started moving in on her before the body next to Goose Creek was even cold.

Though Thomas’ passing is unfortunate, the cycle of life continues and a light has emerged from the darkness. A very cool guy named Chaz-Michael Firehammer just signed a lease on an apartment on the other side of town, but he still has to use the same Costco Thomas did. Chaz looks almost exactly like Thomas did and even wears a lot of the same shirts. If you see a guy that looks like Thomas, it’s probably Chaz. There are a lot of people on this planet and only so many face combinations, some of them are going to look the same.

If you’d like to support the family, in lieu of flowers please make a donation at gofundme.com/chaz-firehammer-jacuzzi-fund