A Royal Decree from the Toyota King of Daytona Beach
My loyal subjects, I fear my reign is in jeopardy. Our once loyal patrons have turned their backs on their king. It seems our low introductory rates, zero percent financing, and annual Veterans Day Blow-Out Bonanza were nothing more than humiliating exercises in futility.
Not long ago, our cavalry covered every paved block in this fair town. The streets were once teeming with glorious Camrys, triumphant Corollas, and slightly used Rav4s. But a rank and putrid presence has infested my domain. My mouth fills with bile when I speak its name. I refer to, of course, Wayne Kowalski, the alleged “Duke of Hyundai.”
When word first reached our dealership that a challenger wished to lay claim to my thrown, I let out a hearty guffaw. Let him try! My people would sooner flog their own babies than place a single toe behind the wheel of one of his gaudy and monstrous vehicles. Oh, how painfully mistaken I was! A pox upon them and their Sonatas!
They once sang our merry radio jingles and proudly displayed our logo on their little league softball jerseys. But now, as I look out to my uninhabited lot, I see only the crumbling ruins of a once great empire. The rotting heap of complementary showroom donuts serves as a bitter reminder of what once was. Even the faces of the inflatable tube men that once greeted troves of happy customers now appear to be mocking and cruel.
I am sure many of you ponder how it came to this. Perhaps I am to blame for this Duke’s meteoric rise to power. After all, he took a page right out of the Toyota King’s handbook, establishing his presence in a series of escalating endeavors:
Supermarket flyers beget bus bench ads!
Bus bench ads beget billboards!
Billboards beget TV commercials!
The harshest defiance came from within, when my own salesmen brought a sandwich from Ray’s Sub Shop for lunch. Ham, turkey, provolone, and Dijon mustard. It is known as… The Duke. Yes, I could have wept in the privacy of my own office, but I wanted my subjects to see their king’s tears. After more than two decades of prosperity and opulence, have I not earned a sandwich adorning my name?
But the time for grieving has passed! We will not lay down arms and let our streets run rampant with Palisades, Tucson Hybrids, and the new (admittedly roomy) four-door Sante Fe. We will fight for our kingdom!
My first order of business will be to join forces with another royal family. As you all know, Larry Brogdon, the Mattress King, has an unwed son. I have offered the hand of my daughter, Melissa, the Toyota Princess, in marriage. It is my hope that the merging of our houses will help strengthen our forces (I haven’t told the Princess or my wife yet, so nobody say anything around the office).
Next, we will cease our reliance on gimmicky sales events to lure customers. No more Spook-Tacular Truck-O-Weens or Summer Sedan Slams. Instead, we will foster a more refined and elegant environment. Our first such affair will be this Thursday, when we host the Toyota King’s Thanksgiving Feast Sale Featuring a Casserole of Savings. Your turkey costumes are hanging in your lockers. Please remember to greet each customer with the phrase, “We gobble-gobble up the competition.”
I won’t lie to you; our climb back to the top will be long and arduous. Some of you may perish along the way (which reminds me, Stan, can you come to my office after the royal decree is over?). But mark my words, our kingdom shall once again be triumphant. Oh, and it’s Nancy’s birthday, so please make sure to sign her card before we bring out her cake this afternoon.