A Few Housekeeping Items Before We Stop the Nuclear Disaster

Welcome to the crisis room, team. There’s no easy way to say this, but the plant’s uranium core is just five minutes away from a catastrophic reactor failure, and if that occurs, half of the continent will be wiped out. Now is the time for us to act quickly and decisively. But first, as we do in every all-hands meeting, let’s take a moment to acknowledge our May birthdays!

Dr. Howell in engineering was born on the 4th; Margot in comms, on the 11th; Dr. Knopf in electrical, on the 14th; Dave in HR and Dr. Michaels in operations were both born on the 16th; our amazing intern Sara, on the 23rd; and who could forget our fearless VP Dr. Hutchins was born on the 31st—right under the wire, Hutch! If the plant doesn’t become the center of a barren crater, we’ll celebrate this month’s birthdays on Thursday with Crumbl cookies in the break room.

Let’s move on to the urgent matter at hand: announcing which teammate has been voted superstar of the month. Can we get a drum roll? Louder! For all her above-and-beyond work, the $25 Cava gift card will go to Cassidy in accounting! Way to give it 110%, Cassidy.

Ope! Looks like we have some stragglers joining us via Zoom. Everyone, say hi to the Secretary of Energy, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and the President of the United States. We’re so glad you guys are here, because we’re just about to congratulate Peg from IT on her “Nuclear-versary” marking eight years with us at the plant! Thank you, Peg, and, from all of us, congratulations on the $25 Cava gift card.

Now, listen closely as I need you to take the following crucial action ASAP. Maria on the custodial staff is retiring on Friday and we’re still waiting on a bunch of folks to sign her card. We’re rapidly running out of time, so please show Maria some love.

Shoot, it looks like we’re falling a bit behind. We’ve only got two minutes to stop a horrific mass extinction event, so let’s just breeze through a couple housekeeping items real quick. One: Some boxes in the mailroom have been there so long they look like furniture. Friendly reminder to check if they’re yours. Two: Micah and Liz on the social committee want to remind everyone to keep putting those fun GIFs in the #fun-gifs Slack channel. Nudge, nudge: Whoever sends the best GIF this quarter will win a $25 gift card to a surprise Mediterranean lunch restaurant.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s finally get down to business. We have 30 seconds left to stop the deaths of everyone we know. That’s causing all of us a lot of stress, but mental health is important. So let’s take a moment to look at the pictures you all submitted of your dogs! Aw! This doggo is Stephen from merchandising’s Cavapoo. Cute! That furry pupper belongs to Dr. Gupta in electrical systems. And, okay, this messy guy got all into that box of Cheez-Its!

Okay, so unfortunately that blaring alarm does mean we’ve run out of time to reach the shutdown lever and stop the meltdown. But instead of framing this as an unfathomable loss of life, let’s call it a win for our calendars and end this meeting early. I’ll wrap here and give everyone back a little bit of the time they have left!