Is There a Doctor on Board? We’d Settle for a Competent Lifeguard

Attention passengers, this is Lisa from the flight crew. If there is a doctor present, could you please meet us at the cockpit immediately? Nothing to worry about, just checking to see if we have any doctors on this flight….

…None? Okay, not a problem. How about nurses? Any nurses flying with us today? RNs or NPs or CNAs traveling with us?

…No? Nurses in training? Maybe you’re a few credits short of your degree?… Okay, still not seeing any hands.

Let’s see, any EMTs or paramedics on board? How about firefighters? We’d take a volunteer firefighter… Oh come on! What has happened to this country? I bet if I asked if we had any marketing or creative writing majors on board–

Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. Everything is fine. No need for anyone to panic.

Okay, let’s see… Oh! Anyone passengers with us today a big medical drama fan? Grey’s Anatomy? Chicago Med? Or The Pitt? I haven’t started it yet, but it’s on my list.

…Not one single Pitt fan? I really don’t believe this. I saw how many Emmys it won, I know someone here watches….

Attention passengers, Lisa here again. I am now being told by one of our crew that it might have been a tad insensitive of me to only ask for nurses when there were no doctors available. They are telling me that nurses work just as hard as doctors, if not more so, have the same amount of medical knowledge, and are the unsung heroes of the health care field. Did I get all that right? My apologies. I respect nurses. My mom is a nurse.

How do you think I knew about all that LVN/RN/CNA stuff? You know what, doesn’t matter, I apologize. But to be clear, there are no nurses on board, right?

Look, I get it, we’re on a crowded flight, a lot of folks are watching. Maybe you are qualified to help, but you’re worried you may not be able to perform in a time of crisis. Which this is totally not! A crisis, I mean.
But you shouldn’t be afraid of failing. You should be afraid of not trying. My mom the nurse told me that. Boy, I really wish she was on this plane right now.

Okay, I’ll level with you. This IS an emergency. We have a sick passenger up here and they are in dire need of medical attention. The airline instructs us to not cause a panic in situations like this. But you know what? I am officially panicking!

Oh! Yes, sir, with your hand up! Can you help us? Please come up to the front of the plane. Thank you so much, I was starting to worry. May I ask what your medical background is?
A dentist…. I see.

Yeah, no, I know, dentists are doctors. Technically. It’s just, I think this passenger needs serious medical attention, not a lesson on how to floss properly.

Oh jeez, that came out wrong. I respect dentists! They’re great! Better than real doctors. Not that they aren’t real doctors.

You know what? I’m just gonna give this passenger some travel Aspirin and one of those tiny blankets and call it a day. Let the crew in Houston worry about it.

Also, we’ll be bringing the snack cart around shortly. Today we have an assortment of chips, pretzels, mixed nuts, and granola bars. And for the love of all that is holy, please alert the flight crew if you have a food allergy.