Introducing the Perfect Shoe-Sizing System
Shoe shopping can be, well, sole-crushing. Navigating sizing scales often feels like decoding the Rosetta Stone—if the Rosetta Stone had a strict return policy. Well, fret no more: our comprehensive new shoe-sizing system is designed to make finding your size simpler than slipping on a pair of Birks.
Men’s and Women’s Sizes: Do you add or subtract 2? Who can remember? With our system, all women’s shoes equal the cubed root of men’s. Now ladies can enjoy convenient sizes like 1.2599, 1.4422, and 1.9129.
US to UK: Simply adding an extraneous “u” to your US size now gets you the perfect fit across the pond. That means size One is now Oune, Two is Twou, and Four is still just Four, but said with a certain posh charm that doesn’t impress the guy at the Prudential Center Mall Foot Locker.
Different Brands: Why is a Nike 9 bigger than an Adidas 9 or a Puma 10? Finding your size in any brand is now as simple as running a random number generator. Now, a Nike 9 is equivalent to an Adidas 10,834. (Which, if you’re following along, is a women’s 22.1355.)
EU Sizes: Be it Italian leather moccasins, ancient Greek sandals, or Dutch klompen, just multiply your American size by the current USD-to-Euro conversion rate and insist you cannot find quality materials like these back home in Brookline.
Kids: When buying kicks for your kids, all you really want to know is: “How long until they grow out of these?” That’s why all children’s sizes will be the number of hours before you have to fork over another $60 on Bluey Skechers at DSW and 60 more at Auntie Anne’s. (Sizes range from 48 to 4,800.)
Half-Sizes: 6 too small, but 6 ½ too big? What you’re looking for are eighth sizes. Of course that men’s 9 ½ feels tight in the toes, you’re a 9 ⅝, silly!
Bowling Shoes: You’ll never find the perfect bowling shoes. And that’s not why you bowled a 39, but it sure is what you’re telling everyone. The guy at the Prudential Center Mall Foot Locker bowls over 100 every time. And he doesn’t even try that hard.
Toe Shoes: Just multiply your American shoe size by two. Note: our system urges you to remember that just because you can wear toe shoes, whether you actually should.
When One Shoe Always Lies And The Other Always Tells The Truth: Two such shoes stand before you at a crossroads, each claiming to be the right size—which shoe to trust? Just ask both: “If I were to ask the other one which size was right, what would they say?” and you’ll be decked out in no time (unfortunately, with only one shoe).
Optical Illusions: To account for patterning and design, add 3 to the size of any shoe with slimming vertical stripes. Conversely, subtract three sizes if a shoe is open-toed, since all that natural light makes the space feel much bigger.
In Relativistic Space-Time: Any time-dilated size S’ is henceforth defined as S1-(vc)2. Einstein’s field equation G+g=8Gc4Tof course applies in strong gravitational fields, like when wearing those Air Jordan 1s.
Lynchian Sizing: Whether you’re a Kyle MacLaughlin or a Laura Dern, your David Lynch shoe size is an amalgam of the idealized, nostalgic size you think you are in tension with its seedier underbelly. Think: the Build-A-Bear next to Spencer’s at the Prudential Center Mall.
Flip-flops: All flip-flops are now sized according to the age and breed of horse its clopping sound mimics. (Sizes range from Shetland foal to Clydesdale mare.)
Moral Dilemma: A runaway trolley barrels towards an oversized pair of Reeboks; on a second track is a single pair of tight-fitting Hokas. Our system lets you pull a lever to change tracks, choosing whether to take an active role in your shoes running small or a passive role in them running big. Or just shop at the Foot Locker in the Prudential Center Mall: they still haven’t installed our trolley tracks in-store.