Differences I’ve Noticed Between New York City and Philadelphia
In NYC, a beer costs eight hundred and thirty dollars plus tip; in Philadelphia, beer is poured out of the same taps scientists accidentally used to birth The Toxic Avenger.
In NYC, the Statue of Liberty stands as a proud symbol of the completion of the American Experiment, set to be wrapped up in a year or two; in Philly, the Liberty Bell stands as a proud symbol of how even if an expensive center piece is damaged, you can still get away with displaying it as long as you position it carefully.
In NYC, a man covered in silver paint and moving robotically is an aspiring entrepreneur who you consider giving cash to before remembering that that pizza place you like offers two slices and a bottle of water for $5 and you only have the one bill and you know the robot guy is probably doing fine, because silver paint can’t be cheap; in Philly, a man covered in silver paint and moving robotically has recently fallen into the Schuylkill River and you need to call an ambulance
In NYC, the mayoral race is a country-wide event worth forming an opinion on after reading five tweets about it; in Philly, sausages are tied high up on a greased-up pole, then the first to ascend said pole and claim a sausage is declared mayor for the next four years.
In NYC, taxis only stop when you’re running so fast to catch them that your briefcase opens and your papers for the Anderson account fly all over MacDougal Street; in Philly, there are only four taxis, and they are expressly used by Philadelphia sports mascots to transport them to and from games.
In NYC, rats are generally given a seat on borough boards, but as of 2025, they are still barred from being elected borough presidents; in Philly, rats abhor local governance and instead contend that neighborhoods in the city should be run by community boards that offer all participants the chance to voice their high-pitched concerns and vote on cheese-based proposals without a governing oversight committee.
In NYC, food delivery bike riders are a protected species by law, allowed to roam wherever they please, unrestricted by red lights and stop signs; in Philly, you are only allowed to hunt delivery riders with firearms between January and April. Bow-hunting is legal year-round.
In NYC, a studio apartment can be arranged to fit a bed, TV, small kitchen, bathroom, Juliet balcony, suspended balcony, boyfriend’s XL gaming laptop, cat entertainment tower, salt water fish tank, tomato garden, herb garden, 10 ft x 10 ft Bird of Paradise plant, chicken coup, washer/dryer/fridge combination appliance, hotdog stand, park bench, entrance to subway, in-law suite, and ceiling fan; In Philly, $1800 can get you a stunning one-bedroom, though the ghosts of the Declaration of Independence signers will often arise to beckon you to Valley Forge where you’ll encounter the damned soul of one of America’s most formidable generals, the Marquis de Lafayette!
In NYC, everyone wears white sneakers because, as we all know, the ivory trade is alive and well, ask an elephant; in Philly, everyone wears Timberland boots because a temporal rift has trapped Center City in the year 2012.
In NYC, if I told you there were four zoos, would you say that’s a lot or not as many as you would have guessed? In Philly, there is one zoo and– Hey, where did the elephants go?
In NYC, if you wear ill-fitting jeans, you will be shot; in Philly, if you are not wearing ill-fitting jeans, you will be shot for being a snob.
In NYC, Jawn is the hip way to spell your son’s name; in Philly, Jawn is a word that means the warmth of the sun on a winter’s day, or the feeling of a butterfly’s wings against your cheeks, or that sense that you have met someone before in a past life and that you were lovers.
In NYC, they say, “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!”; in Philly, they say, “If you can make it here, you can make it in Baltimore, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and maybe Atlanta if you move in with your girlfriend and update your wardrobe.”