Urgent Recall Notice: Your Brain
The purpose of this notice is to inform you of a voluntary recall of brains, specifically those issued between August 1949 and September 2010. This organ is being recalled due to potential contamination with salmonella, antimatter, and a bit of expired orange juice.
Health Risks:
Being alive is a risk. Falling in love is a risk. Eating a peanut is a risk. We think that’s all important to remember as you evaluate the following risks of using your brain.
For starters, prolonged use of your brain can kill you. There’s an industry standard self-destruct sequence embedded in the organ, but it’s touchy (and reacts poorly to the aforementioned salmonella and antimatter). To put it bluntly, your brain may want to find ways to end your life. (And if, in fact, your brain has been contaminated with any amount of expired orange juice, your brain may urge you to become a TikTok true crime influencer, which is not the same as trying to murder you, but it’s not NOT the same.)
In addition, your brain was not designed to withstand stress above 39 on the Mosodopol Scale. That was an administrative error on our end. Back in the 19th century, when we made good, non-recalled brains, our scientists developed the Mosodopol Scale to better calibrate brain creation for the stress of existence. The average peak stress rating was measured at 390, but the Pearson twins were on a bender that weekend and accidentally wrote 39 in their report. So, anyway, if you ever thought your brain wasn’t well equipped to handle stress, that’s because it’s not. It’s potentially handling 1/10 of the stress you’re feeling.
Using your brain for extended periods of time can also lead to Periphery Paranoidal Photopsia, an upsetting visual disturbance that causes individuals to think someone is watching them when they are alone AND to think they are alone when someone is actually watching them. And there’s also Super Delusions of Grandeur, where your brain might make you think you’ll one day find true love and lasting fulfillment at work. Doreen in Human Resources threw that in as an April Fool’s joke in 1948, but then forgot to take it out. Classic Doreen.
Other risks include anxiety, depression, temporary insanity, permanent insanity, and semi-spontaneous combustion (i.e., the head combusts spontaneously while the rest of the body gently smolders).
What You Should Do:
Our official recommendation is to stop using your brain immediately. Please take care to dispose of it safely, or consider returning it to the place of issue for a partial refund.
What You Should Really Do:
We understand that your brain is an important part of what makes you unique. And what makes you alive. With that in mind, we’d like to provide two realistic alternatives for continued use of your brain.
Do you know anyone who was born before August 1949 or after September 2010? Consider relying on their brain for guidance, or taking their brain for your own use. Be advised that old brains and young brains come with their own health risks, which may or may not be worse than using a brain that has been contaminated by salmonella, antimatter, and a bit of expired orange juice.
You could also just use your brain less. There’s a hidden stasis mode that you can activate by singing the alphabet backwards while gargling spearmint mouthwash. Theoretically, putting your brain in stasis mode on a regular basis should minimize the risks outlined above.
What You Should Not Do:
In light of this product recall, please do not trust your brain. It’s a goofy lump of an organ that got made in a factory years ago, by a team without any regulations around salmonella, antimatter, or orange juice. We tried our best. Well, we came to work, and we tried an amount that we thought wouldn’t get us fired.
For Questions, Complaints, and Comments:
This one is tricky because some of you are religious.
If you’re okay with imagining a big ol’ factory in the sky, in another dimension, that cranks out human parts, then hello there. Send us a postcard. The address doesn’t matter. Doreen reads them all anyway.
And if you’re religious, visit your favorite holy representative. Catholic confessionals are great, but any equivalent will do. Doreen listens in on all of those, too.
We appreciate your patience and understanding about your brain. As ever, we are committed to providing safe and reliable human parts. You should see what we have in store for brains in 2057. Now those are going to be some good organs.