Christmas in the Lobby
Hark, residents of our 100-unit building! We who manage the property are hosting a Christmas party in the lobby—that special place where mops lean against the wall and packages sit unclaimed.
Spread the news—there’s Christmas in the lobby. How much Christmas, you ask? More than you could ever dream of, or exactly enough for a capacity of 76 persons.
Please join us in the lobby to celebrate Christmas! We will scrounge up a folding chair or two and everyone will be afraid to sit.
Hear ye, hear ye, it’s time for Christmas in the Lobby. Instead of luminaria, a group of old people who work in the management office will synchronize turning on their phone flashlights by accident at the same time.
Come enjoy our tasteful decorations, hung with care right next to a notice about next week’s mandatory unit inspections.
At Christmas in the Lobby, everyone can hear your tiny remarks because we will forget to play music. The acoustics of the lobby will make you feel naked. But that’s only fitting—Baby Jesus was naked too, once upon a midnight clear.
Our lobby’s potted ficus plants may be fake, but our Christmas cheer is not. Those who attend our lobby-based fete will be entered in a raffle to win a prize randomly worth thousands of dollars. The mystery surrounding this one high-end detail will fuel small talk in the building for years to come.
Check your inbox, because our office emailed about Christmas in the Lobby weeks ago. It’s one of many emails we write in all caps. And like all our correspondence, the subject line warns, “URGENT!!!!”
Have you heard? It’s Christmas in the lobby. There will be cookies, light conversation, and a smattering of assholes in the corner who think they’re too good for any of it.
Come, enjoy a Christmas cookie. Engage in merriment. Stand up against the wall and press the elevator button by accident no fewer than five times.
In this lobby, we believe Christmas is something to be shared with ten to twelve strangers, one of whom you deeply resent for smoking on the balcony below yours.
In this lobby, we also believe in taping a single poster of a smiling dreidel up to the wall. But we won’t use the good tape.
It’s not really Christmas until you’ve experienced it in The Lobby. Did you know the building owned a waffle maker? Now you do.
We’ve received some inquiries about why we haven’t set our Christmas party on the building’s roof, with its lounge chairs and panoramic views of the city. Well, that would be Christmas on the Roof. We’re going for more of a “Christmas Meets Lobby” aesthetic. Surely you see the difference.
The lobby is the hub of transient experiences. Our Christmas party will be no exception. Stop by for a cup of peppermint cocoa in an eight-ounce Styrofoam cup. We don’t have lids that fit, so embrace the slosh as you hurry off to work.
You’ve passed through the lobby on many an occasion, but when’s the last time you basked in the glory of its flickering overheads? Come on now, carve out some time for Christmas, as long as that time is between now and noon, at which point we will begin the Opening of the Trash Bags.
All are cordially invited to Christmas in the Lobby, except residents who are more than 3 days past due on rent. If you are on that naughty list, we skip coal and go straight to calling the cops.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good lobby!
— Management