Why Your End-of-Year Bonus Is a Pet Rock

You: Why is my bonus a pet rock?

Boss: Financial bonuses are impersonal. I wanted to give you something that reflects our team culture of professional yet fun, visionary yet simple, and resilient yet bedazzled in glitter.

You: Is my bonus just a pet rock?

Boss: Of course not. Your bonus is also a colleague, companion, and confidante.

You: Is there a financial component?

Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?

You: Was everyone’s bonus a pet rock?

Boss: I received only enough cash to fund first-class flights for my forty-person extended family and me to attend Mount Rushmore’s week-long pet rock convention.

You: Why did you get cash?

Boss: My boss couldn’t be bothered to go to a hidden cove, search on hands and knees for a rock that had my likeness, swaddle it, take it home, polish it, bond over a shared love of Dwayne Johnson, then deface it with fluorescent feathers.

You: Did anyone else get cash?

Boss: Everyone but our team.

You: I’m the only one on your team.

Boss: Yes.

You: Why would you do this to me?

Boss: I’m the only boss thoughtful enough to give something personal.

You: Isn’t cash just as personal as an inanimate object?

Boss: But she’s not inanimate. Haven’t you spent any time with Pebbles?

You: Who is Pebbles?

Boss: Just look at her big googly eyes. Stare into them as they wobble and jiggle. Gaze upon her permanent marker mouth, her pipe-cleaner ears, and her pink sticker cheeks. Isn’t she just the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? Can’t you hear her wordlessly whisper “Daddy?”

You: Are you suggesting Pebbles is not only a colleague, companion, and confident but also my daughter? I already have real kids. My wife and I agreed we weren’t going to have any more. I’ve had a vasectomy.

Boss: Think of this like adoption. But we’ve done all the paperwork for you.

You: I told my real kids we could go on a holiday with my bonus. What will I tell them?

Boss: Mommy and I promised Barbados. But plans have changed—you’ve got a new sister!

You: Can I leave Pebbles at work and tell them I got no bonus this year?

Boss: But you’ve had a fantastic year and received a commensurate bonus. And unfortunately, we have an office policy against pets and kids.

You: What will my bonus be next year?

Boss: If you can believe it, I’m planning something even better than a pet rock. I’m thinking something like a company-branded candle or a diorama of our office setup. Or maybe just my gratitude.