What Makes Me Stand Out from Other Applicants Is I Have a Little Worm in My Ear

To WhOm It MaY cOnCeRn,

Thank you for taking the time to review my application for this esteemed position. I’d like to hit you with the facts straight out of the gate, if I may.

I’m an average person with a slightly-below-average work ethic. I don’t have a specialized degree or virtually any professional experience. What I DO have is a little worm in my ear.

That’s right! You’re impressed, aren’t you? Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them. They usually back away or gape at me in awe, like they’ve just met Vin Diesel or something.

Can you honestly say you’ve encountered any other applicants like me? Except for that guy who spent his summer swimming in some mucky lakes, but those worms don’t know any secrets. In fact, I bet those worms are totally stupid.

My ear worm’s name is Harry. He isn’t, but he said that’s what his name is. Dope, right? If you hire me, I could arrange an appointment…

Hold on, he’s whispering something–

Sorry, he said he’s not taking any visitors at this time. He’s just busy this time of year, what with the holidays approaching. Lots of mail to get through…

I stand out because—when you meet me—you’ll notice that I say things at random that don’t fit into the timeline of our conversation. That’s because Harry tells me what to say, because he’s a conversational master with an IQ of 141.5. And I trust him like my own father, whatever that guy’s up to these days.

As for workplace culture, I will bring a vibe to your office that is so… unlike anything you’ve ever experienced in any other office setting. Harry and I? We’re about to rock your shit. That’s a phrase Harry uses when we’re gonna do something great like turn over a trash can or light something on fire.

I should mention, we read your website. Harry’s a wizard with WordPress and he has some notes! Don’t worry, his aggressive feedback just means that he’s upset with what you’re doing and thinks you should change it immediately. It’s personal for him more than anything. He thinks your company would benefit from a website that’s more… tunnel-y? We can discuss this during my interview.

Harry’s got other interesting ideas for the place, like replacing all the carpets with dirt. I think it could be good for morale! He also wants to implement floor breaks, where everyone writhes on the ground for 15 minutes. Trust me, he’s got the most incredible vision. Don’t you want to see your sales go up 15%? Or, whatever it is you do at your company?

Harry’s schedule is a bit tricky, but he said he’s willing to make exceptions if it’s worth his while. I should mention, he recently struck up a relationship with this woman—Marta, who he met at a “business conference”—and it’s taking up all his free time. He said they’re collaborating on a new business project, but frankly, I’m afraid she’s just using him for his body.

And yes, Harry is freelance. He works in sporadic 30-minute bursts, from when I wake up basically until I fall back asleep. He toils away all day, crafting parables and rhymes… it’s exhausting! And God knows he doesn’t come cheap. Just last month, I spent twenty minutes shoving three hundred-dollar bills into my right ear canal. I don’t know what he spends it on, but last week I received a parcel of all the Jason Bourne movies on Blu-ray… Oh, what also makes me stand out is that I am hard of hearing in my right ear.

Look, can I be straight with you again? Harry won’t like this, but…

Please hire me. I will do anything. Forget what I said about tunnels—I could make a great addition to your team if you give me a chance. I need to get out of this apartment. This is for sales, right? That’s what you do?

Man, he is pissed now. Harry gets really angry when I think for myse–

Oh GOD, he’s threatening to kill my family!

Please, this job is all I have! Or will have, when you give it to me! I may not be the most deserving candidate, but I want it the most! Please, I’m like Vin Diesel with a worm in his ear!

What am I supposed to do, just ignore him? He whispers super loudly, and he’s ruthless! He comes from a very powerful family. They’ll do anything to make sure they’re on top. ANYTHING!

If there’s anyone out there reading this, please help me. And can you tell me if it’s actually raining acid from the sky, or if Harry’s trying to pull a fast one? I’m afraid to go to the windows!