Updates from Your Local Library Regarding Your Overdue Book
Way to go reader! You checked out the book, She’ll Take Murder To Go, by Jillian Ragstaff.
Due Date: 12/9/24
Hiya! We noticed you have yet to return the book, She’ll Take Murder To Go. Here at your local library, we respect your time and your love of books. That’s why we went ahead and granted you a complimentary renewal. Happy reading!
Due Date: 12/30/24
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
Due Date: 1/20/25
…Right?
Due Date: 2/10/25
Be honest. Have you even opened the book?
Due Date: 3/3/25
ATTENTION: This is a reminder from your friendly, local library declaring you have an overdue item.
We are friendly and we are local and we are a library with limited government funds.
If you do not return She’ll Take Murder To Go by the date provided below, we will assume this loan is lost and you will be charged the full $28.99.
Please don’t make us do this.
Due Date: 3/24/25
Why do we get the feeling that you avoid your credit card statements too?
Due Date: 4/7/25
You know, it’s okay to not like a book. Even if Hello-Sunshine-Boss-Queen Reese Witherspoon herself hails it as “The voice of every generation: past and future.”
Due Date: 4/28/25
You will return this book. You will return this book. You will return this book.
You will return this book. You will return this book. You will return this book.
You will return this book. You will return this book. You will return this book.
#manifesting #TheSecret #anotherbookyou’llneverread
Due Date: 5/19/25
Just curious, did you check out She’ll Take Murder To Go because you saw your ex had a destination wedding in Malta, and while Googling “Where is Malta?” your college friend Denise texted you, “Are you going to Alice’s baby shower?” but you didn’t even know Alice was pregnant, which makes you question the entire state of all your friendships, but before you can reply, you run into your old middle school teacher and have to face the fact that she’s somehow only 8 years older than you even though you swear she was like 56. She had gray hair—or was it blond?—or one of those Steve Martin situations? Before you know it, you’re checking out a book about a #girlboss who starts her own fast-food chain so she can chop up all her failed dates and boil them up in the commercial gas fryer because the only way to distract yourself from a catastrophizing, shame spiral is to read about someone going on a gruesome killing spree. But then after 47 pages, you realize you can watch that same story with even more gore on Netflix starring Jenna Ortega.
Yeah, that’s most of our patrons. Except they return their loans on time.
Due Date: 6/9/25
We realized since you have not returned She’ll Take Murder To Go nor have you paid the $28.99 lost fee, the only other scenario at this point is that you are dead.
We will miss you and our 26th copy of She’ll Take Murder To Go.
Due Date: EXPIRED
So, funny story. Our loving, caring, and considerate librarians went over to your house to express our condolences with a homemade muffin basket, but when your husband answered the door, he said you were “not dead” and “at the dentist” but “hasn’t seen a library book” and “no, you can’t search our bedroom.”
Due Date: 6/30/25
We may not be legally allowed to threaten you, but you best believe we will chop up your library card just like how in She’ll Take Murder To Go, Penelope sliced Eric’s ears, fried them, and then served them to Eric’s elderly grandfather.
Spoiler alert: We actually read the books.
Due Date: 7/21/25
Just keep it.
Due Date: You win.
Way to go reader! You checked out the book, I’ll Have What She’s Having: Murder, by Jillian Ragstaff.
Due Date: 9/12/25