My Requirements for a New Social Media App
“On Elon Musk’s X, more than 115,000 users deactivated their accounts, the largest-ever mass exit from the platform. At the same time, traffic on Bluesky, a smaller rival to X, began to soar, with daily usage climbing some 500% in the U.S., according to data from Similarweb.” —NPR
As millions of people flee Twitter and opt for newer, sunnier social media apps like Bluesky, Threads, Mastodon, these are a few of my non-negotiables as to what I’m looking for out of a new platform.
It has to take up all of my time
First and foremost, I need to find a way to be addicted to this thing. And I want to be clear: I don’t mean I want to have a low-key predilection for checking the app when I wake up in the morning and at night before bed: I’m talking hours of logging screen time. I want to miss key moments with loved ones because I was face down in my phone, staring at my screen, blue light beaming up at me, desperate to see what snarky, irreverent comment David Ehrlich of Indiewire has made about the new Wicked movie. When my family members, friends, and lovers ask me a question, I want my response to be “What?”
The ability to connect with friends, like-minded people, and scores and scores of porn bots
Yes, I want to see my friend’s joke about pouring milk in the bowl before cereal, but I also want a bot to direct me to pussy in bio.
A place to give away some of my best, thoughts, ideas, and data for free
If you try hard enough, you can probably figure out where I live.
The ability to form a parasocial relationship with a normal guy in another city
I need a place where I can be introduced to my ideal man, a guy I know who is different, who is pure, who is perfect for me. And I know this to be true, even if he seems just like any old marketing manager in Nevada, because he also tweets about Waxahatchee sometimes.
A nonsensical algorithm
One that will reward and punish me at random intervals, leading me to care more about the likes I get announcing an important life event than the life event itself.
A nuanced conversation about politics
I need to be able to see 20 of the same opinions about the worst possible thing you can imagine, all worded slightly differently, and then 20 more opinions that contradict that first opinion, all also worded slightly differently. Then I need to see someone talk about getting their ass eaten and their pussy in bio.
Severe repercussions for speaking critically of famous pop stars
If I do, a 19-year-old who runs a stan account will tell everyone my address, threaten my life, and call me “ancient” and “out of touch,” which, to be honest, hurts way more than the first two things.
A terrible feeling in my stomach before, during, and after I look at it
I want a terrible feeling in my stomach when I even think about it.
To help create value for a billionaire to buy and systematically destroy anything I like about the platform
And thus leaving us all at the mercy of his own illogical devices.
Listen, I know that no social media app is going to be perfect, or meet all of my criteria. But at the end of the day, I am happy to sign up for any site where you have the opportunity to meet new people, where you can learn a fact you never knew, where you can boost a GoFundMe for someone in need, and above all, you can find pussy in bio.