Sun Tzu Quotes to Get You Through Thanksgiving
“Victorious warriors win first and then go to war.”
The day before Thanksgiving, mention that your daughter has soccer practice early Friday morning, laying the groundwork for an 8 PM exit.
“He will win who knows how to handle both superior and inferior forces.”
To medal in the Turkey Trot, you have to defeat seasoned fitness freaks and erratic savages who only run once a year. Tape your ankles.
“Invincibility lies in the defense, the possibility of victory in the attack.”
Bring a six-pack of normal beer and you won’t have to drink your brother’s homebrewed triple IPAs all night.
“Supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.”
Crank up the thermostat before delivering the news of your upcoming vasectomy. Mom will step outside for some fresh air, then get distracted by the deer.
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.”
Your nephew always overextends himself going for the Longest Road in Catan. Just sit back and let it happen.
“Attack their weaknesses.”
At Dad’s first mention of cancel culture, top off his wine glass.
“He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight.”
You’re never going to convince Mom that Princess Diana isn’t still alive. Let her have this one.
“If your opponent is of choleric temper, irritate him.”
When Uncle Doug starts railing against Bidenomics, ask him if Biden’s fiscal policies are why he had to self-publish his latest steampunk-erotica novel.
“Prohibit the taking of omens, and do away with superstitious doubts. Then no calamity need be feared.”
Just because you pulled the losing end of the wishbone doesn’t mean you’re going to get cornered by your grandma’s racist boyfriend again.
“Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent’s fate.”
When your grandma shows you a Facebook post claiming Ivanka Trump and Chelsea Clinton have been body-swapped, say, “That’s why I voted for her,” and don’t elaborate further.
“Balk the enemy’s power; force him to reveal himself.”
While passing the mashed potatoes, casually ask Uncle Doug how his golf buddy Sean is doing, then feign surprise that Sean has four more years on his January 6 sentence.
“Secret operations are essential in war; upon them the army relies to make its every move.”
Make sure the brightness on your phone is as low as possible before texting your wife under the table about what Uncle Doug just said.
“For them to perceive the advantage of defeating the enemy, they must also have their rewards.”
Sneak the dog lots of table scraps and you can teach him to growl whenever your cousin queues up a Joe Rogan clip.
“Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys.”
When Aunt Mimi asks you if young people have completely lost their minds, have your teenage son field the question while you slink off to the bathroom to do the Wordle in peace.
“Quickness is the essence of the war.”
Eat fast, excuse yourself, and start on the dishes.
“There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.”
It might feel good to remind Uncle Doug that there’s a reason his kids are spending Thanksgiving with his ex-wife, but then he won’t send you a birthday check next month.
“Victory usually goes to the army who has better trained officers and men.”
Master your parents’ six remote controls and you can watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles instead of Fox News.
“If you are far from the enemy, make him believe you are near.”
While leaving, lie and tell everyone you’ll see them soon.